Let It Be

I'm beginning to realize that there are some things in life you can never have resolution to. This is ridiculously hard for me, as I am a big supporter of whole conflict resolution movement. I've always taken situations into my own hands, and handled them in the best possible way I could think of - including going to those I see as being trustworthy and strong for advice. And it's because of this, that I constantly see my biggest flaw exploited, repeatedly, and without my even being aware of it until after the fact: I'm simply too trusting, too quickly. I also don't listen to myself enough, or go with my initial gut feeling. Goal for self - stick with intuition.

I guess I just feel as though I can never find a steady balance - between trusting too much, and trusting too little. A person can't go around spilling their secrets to everyone they meet, because people are blabber mouths and gossip queens, and need to keep themselves occupied with others' lives. I believe they call this "High School". But I could be wrong. On the other hand, if you never open up, you can never let anyone in, and never let anyone get close to you, and therefore never be close to anyone yourself. So how do you know? How do you sift through the muck to get to the good stuff, the high-end quality furniture you should surround yourself with?

Perhaps this is just something you struggle with when you've felt or been betrayed by someone you feel closest to, and this is the final aftermath - the last pieces of the puzzle you're left with to sort through. Except this puzzle is 5,000 pieces, and it's just the different blues of the ocean.

On a more uplifting note, Godspell has been a fantastic experience, and as cheesy and lame as it may sound, I feel like I've come out a slightly different, and slightly better person in the end. Everyone told me that doing this show is less of an experience, and more of a journey - and up until a week or so ago, it really didn't click with me. This show, and this cast, helped me through one of the harder things I've had to deal with in my life, and I don't know if I would have been able to turn it into a positive, had I not been surrounded with the people I have spent the past few weeks with. I know I've changed, and I know for the better. I've rediscovered some of who I may have lost over the past few years, and I feel like I'm starting to come into my own, as an adult. The past two and a half months have truly been a life changing experience in a thousand and one ways, and I don't know any other way to describe it or explain it. I look back at myself just a year ago, and realize how much of myself I was holding back. How much I watched my step, and my tongue, and hid some of the quirky. I am allowed to be myself. I can be myself, and I can be happy and okay with that. Bonding with this cast has been the perfect example - I was completely myself and honest with them, and they embraced me as such, no questions asked. That is how it should be. And for the first time in months? I'm no longer questioning that. Or myself.


And when the night is cloudy,
There is still a light, that shines on me,
Shine until tomorrow,
Let it be.

Love and Complaints

I've always had a secret love of John Stewart. Watching him completely destroy someone on television blew my secret love into an all out affair. I mean, hello, Stud Muffin. Check it out HERE!




Also, HBO is re-making Grey Gardens into a movie again, starring Drew Barrymore. Did no one see Christine Ebersole's unbelievable portrayal of Little Edith on Broadway? Or in 42nd Street? The woman is amazing! To be replaced with Drew Barrymore? I'm not setting any expectations.

Spring Time For...

The past few days or so, I've been feeling overly stressed out, tired, and kind of gloomy. Meanwhile, all my still-in-college friends are on their much-needed spring breaks - and that's when it hit me. Last year, this exact week was my spring break - my body is aching for spring break whoo-whoo! It wants to get in a car at 11:00 at night and drive to Myrtle Beach, no stops, with 3 drunk guys in the backseat. It wants to take a train to the St. Patricks Day Parade and spend 3 straight hours walking 5th Avenue searching for green beer, only allowing an enormous green Margarita to be it's substitute. It wants to sit all night on the beach surrounded by booze and smoke, just to watch the sun rise, and a chance meteor shower, or drive down to LBI to shoot a friends short film and spray paint shells in the sand - and wonder if, even now, people are still finding those.


Instead, I will be working at Barnes and Noble, helping rude, un-thankful people search for books for over 20 minutes - only to find them an hour later sitting on a random cafe table, not purchased. This is not what I should be doing with my life. I almost feel like I would be getting more gratification going back to waiting tables at this point.

I told myself I would stay for one year - one year to save up some money, get my benefits, and move on. If September first rolls around, and I'm still here? I'm moving anyway, with or without a job opportunity. Decision made!


::edit::


Also, remember the famous "25 things" phenomenon? Apparently it's back, only this time with a different title - "44 things", or something equally stupid. I've decided, instead, to just repost my original. That makes 50, so suck it.

1. I love cottage cheese.
2. I tell people I don’t know what it is I want to do with my life because it’s easier than trying to defend the truth.
3. I could live off of chocolate.
4. I hate sour cream and guacamole.
5. People often ask me if I’m part Asian. I don’t know why. I don’t think I look it even a little bit.
6. I dance around alone my room in my underwear all the time. Everyday, if I can help it.
7. The people in my life I feel closest to are the people I see the least.
8. I’m terrified of not accomplishing something great.
9. I wish I were just a little bit stronger.
10. I have never felt popular.
11. My Dad took me to see over 300 Rutgers football and basketball games when I was little. My favorite parts were the hotdogs and the dance teams.
12. I miss my gallbladder. I do not miss being sick anymore.
13. I think I was born in the wrong decade. I should have been born in the 70’s.
14. Freshman and Junior years in college were my favorite.
15. In 2nd grade, I got sent to the principles office with Fiona, Jan, and Fokion, because Fiona and I were running during indoor recess, and Fokion sat on Jan. We all got yelled at, and I never told my Mom.
16. I love getting flowers - just not all roses. I think they smell kind of funny.
17. I’m terrible at accepting compliments.
18. In 6th grade I tried to dye pink streaks in my hair because I thought it would make me cooler. It just turned my scalp red for a week.
19. Mrs. Findley was my favorite teacher of all time. I still think about her often.
20. I talk to myself, and have done so since I was about 2
21. I desperately want to travel to Europe, but flying to another country scares me.
22. My oldest friends are scattered all over the country, and I miss them.
23. I’m happiest when I’m dancing, and I don’t care whether or not I’m good at it.
24. I watched Saved By The Bell whenever it's on.
25. I love the Spice Girls. They spice up my life.

Obsessions and Their Consequences

I'm completely obsessed with the new Lilly Allen CD. Download it now, thank me later.

She's quirky, intelligent, hilarious, her music is catchy, and her lyrics are fantastic - what else could I want in a musical artist? For them to British. OH WAIT - she is. Full package? Yes. And she's only 23 years old. So unfair.

"Pop sensation. Voice of her generation. Fashion designer. Political activist. Mouthy blogshite. X-rated sexpert. Fall down drunk. WAG-tagoniser. Queen of Myspace. Exhibitionist. Primidonna. Style icon. Celebrity girlfriend. Celebrity daughter. Celebrity sister. Paparazzi prey. Party starter. Princess.

Lilly Allen has been called all these things, and much, much more - sometimes with justification, often without. She's posh, she's common, she's sexy, she's demure, she's reticent, she's outspoken, she's sensitive, she's shameless, she's loved-up, she's distraught, often all in the same evening. Then she goes to bed, gets up and has breakfast. Then she posts her breakfast on the Internet. Then other people analyse her breakfast. And wonder why she posted it on the Internet.

Contrary, contradictory, occasionally catty, always compelling. Allen, at 23, is Britain's most consistently engaged and engaging pop star, as well as one of our most successful."

Her first album is amazing, but her second takes the cake. I love her almost as much as Mika. Perhaps more so.

Life's about film stars and less about mothers
Its all about fast cars and passing each other
But it doesn't matter 'cause I'm packing plastic
And that's what makes my life so fucking fantastic

And I am a weapon of massive consumption
And its not my fault its how I'm program to function
Ill look at the sun and Ill look in the mirror
I'm on the right track yeah I'm on to a winner

I don't know whats right and whats real anymore
I don't know how I'm meant to feel anymore
When we think it will all become clear
'Cause I'm being taken over by The Fear

The Shoot Gilmores, Don't They?

"The farther backward you can look, the farther forward you are likely to see"

I found a fortune (like from a fortune cookie) on the ground today, which makes two for this month. I'm starting to think the Chinese food Gods are trying to tell me something. That, or people are clumsy and don't throw away their garbage. Either way, I could use the luck.

Also, for Rachel Yucky: