Monday, September 24, 2012

No One Is Alone

This past weekend was quite nice.  It was filled with cleaning, eating, movie watching, laughing, talking, friending, sleeping, resting, and eating some more.  I also spent a great deal of time with myself - something that, for the past few weeks, I've been truly terrified of doing.

I've been really fearful of being left alone with my thoughts, scared that they might have more control over me than I was willing to accept, or worse, that I would be overcome with things like heartache, sadness, fear, or loneliness.  All the debilitating feelings that make you want to curl up into your bed forever and never emerge (unless, of course, chocolate is involved).  It's not that these are things that have been present in my life consistently or in an overbearing fashion, but I have been so scared that they could be, that they might make an appearance - and then what?  How would I handle that?  I've come so far, I am reaching out in sheer desperation just to not go backwards.  Has a paranoia of feelings and emotions developed?

Then, I just did it.  I had been under the weather all week with a cold, so I spent a few hours alone on Saturday, and most of Sunday just resting.  I watched movies, I cleaned a little, played with Oliver, snacked, and painted my nails.  I took care of myself, physically and mentally, for an entire weekend - something I haven't done in far too long.  And I came out of it rested, a little overstuffed, and proud of myself.  Proud of myself for doing something that is, yes, oddly simple, but really tough.

Sometimes, it's the little battles that make the monumental wins in my book.  This weekend was a giant step in gaining back my independence and confidence in myself and my capabilities.

I also realize that it's okay to feel alone sometimes, but it is not the best idea to wallow in it.  Let it in momentarily, take a breath, and let it right back out.  You are not alone.  I leave you with that, and the wise words of Stephen Sondheim:

"Hard to see the light now
Just don't let it go
Things will come out right now
We can make it so
Someone is on your side
No one is alone
Believe me, no one is alone"

Thursday, September 13, 2012

Pumpkin Spice and Everything Nice

Autumn.

When the leaves fall off the trees
The end of another number year
The death of the summer
And what I see as rebirth.

I have endless, boundless love for Fall.  Harvests, the vibrant reds and oranges and yellows, the cool breeze ushering in the cold to come, apple picking, pumpkin pie making, caramel apple eating, celebrations, hay rides, haunted houses, Halloween, jeans and sweaters, sweatshirts, and big comfy socks that cover your thighs.

In keeping with my current "loving the little things" mentality, I would just like to say thank you to the kind barista at Starbucks, for making my very first Pumpkin Hot Chocolate of the season today.  I would also like to thank the amazing weather for making my walk to work wonderfully chilly, the great book I've been reading on my morning train rides for being so fantastic (Bright Shiny Morning by James Fry - incredible), my super sore legs from running a relatively consistent 2 miles a day at the gym, and, most importantly, my pants - for today, when I put on the very pair I bought a mere 4 months ago, I was barely able to wear them because of how big they have gotten.  Over the past year, I have probably gained about 10 pounds - mostly due to lifestyle changes, going from dance jobs to a desk job, and living in an area surrounded by amazing food.  I finally decided I wasn't happy with my body the way it was, or with the way I felt, so I signed up for one (now, two!) 5k's and started running.  I'm not necessarily trying to simply drop pounds, but I'd like to be overall healthier, and back in the dancer-shape I was in.  It's a painstakingly slow process, but I'm starting to see results, and it makes me feel empowered.  I've lost about 6 pounds, but the changes in my body are what make the difference.  I've gained some muscle, my waist has gotten smaller, and I am starting to feel more confident - which I can feel simply in my slightly taller walk.  It's amazing what taking a little charge of a small thing can do for you.

In other news, I got a mood ring at a toy store.  I like taking it on and off and watching it change colors.  I also bought Play-Doh and built an alien.  I'm turning 27 in less than a month.

I am finding hope and inspiration in the little things that I do for myself, simply because I am doing things for myself.  I wasn't before.  I am now.  I should never have stopped.  I'm so amazed at how much learning and growing I have been able to do in the past few weeks.  I've felt so many emotions while riding this crazy roller coaster, and while I know I am not finished with this journey just yet, it feels good to look back and be able to notice definite milestones.  To see where I started, and see a significant difference in where I am now.  I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I'm kind of proud of myself.  Big steps are being made, and big things are coming.

Gandhi says we must be the change we wish to see in the world.  I believe we should be the change we wish to see in ourselves.

Tuesday, September 4, 2012

The Little Things

Lately, I've been trying to focus on the little things.

Walking to the L with confidence.

Blasting the new Regina on my morning commute.

Taking the ferry home from work.

New experiences.  New people.  New boundaries.  New mindset.

Eating a fresh beefsteak tomato - in one sitting.  Raw.

Accidentally spilling an entire waste container filled with bright blue, yellow, and pink ink from the copy machine all over myself.

A new phone cover, courtesy of Vera Bradley.

A Mr. Softee dip cone.

Having a conversation with a lonely older woman on the boat ride home.

Seeing my apartment building from the water.

Spending 3 hours eating and chatting in a famous-but-new-to-me pizza joint in a neighboring neighborhood.

Summer beers garnished with oranges.

Walking through the lit up park on a late summer night.

Stooping.  It's a thing.

The blue moon.

Rediscovering an old dress.

Rediscovering myself.
Driving with the windows down singing at the top of your lungs.

Walking past a kid playing with a 6 weeks old white kitten.  The same kid you walked past the week before, playing with the same kitten.  The kitten is bigger.

Watching Strong Bad Emails at work

Not changing the station when The Thong Song comes on the radio.  And remembering all the words.

Finding and loving new music.

Realizing you have 934 individual purchased songs in your iTunes.

Knowing where you are supposed to turn right, but going straight instead.  And continuing to drive.

Finding the entrance to a secret beer garden.

Learning about a secret bar, that is located behind a secret door in a secret phone booth with a secret dial code.

Retrieving the last thing that smells of you.

A sleeping kitten.

Learning that everything, and I do mean everything, is about timing.

A train ride to Moms new home.

A rainy train ride back with a good book and a new giraffe.

Finding the first fall leaf on the ground.

Noticing that the pink buildings I used to pass on my long NJ commute are still pink
Sitting on my giant roof, staring at the sky, the moon, the planes flying by.  Not seeing stars.  Knowing I know just where to go to find them.

Someone painting the word DREAM on the door to the roof in big bold capital letters.  DREAM.

Noticing the forgotten on my walks home, and finding the extraordinary in the ordinary - the things unseen or unnoticed.

Catching up with old friends.

Catching up with new friends.

A hug and a kiss from a Sweet Caraline

A hug and a kiss from Mommy.

How nothing ever changes.

How everything changes.

Spending the last summer weekend with family and friends, eating and drinking, barbecuing and laughing, getting eaten alive by mosquito's and not knowing it until the following morning.

Finding the moments of happiness in between all the rest.
Expunging the negative to make room for the positive.

Enjoying a night of complete inner peace, and hoping for many more to come.