So let's talk a bit.

Everything happens for a reason. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Everything comes to you in due time and when you least expect it. Somehow, none of these sayings matter very much when you're looking for a little comfort.

It's hard to consistently deal with rejection - whether it's coming from a job I've applied for, a show I've auditioned for, or a relationship I wanted to take off - I've had a lot of it thrown at me. You would think that by now, it would have gotten easier. Honestly, it doesn't seem to. I don't mean to sound like I'm miserable, or hopeless - that's not the case. I am, however, starting to feel a little left out from those who keep stumbling upon such awesome fortune, and maybe even a little jealous. It's also hard when you're not one of those people that gets thing easily - I never have been. Everything I've gotten, I've worked really hard for. Not to say that I don't appreciate it, or the person it's helped shaped me to be, but every so often? It would be really nice if something could just work out. People keep telling me to just be patient, and soon enough, it will be my turn to get some good. Well, Universe? I'd say it's my turn for a little happiness.

I know I'll be fine - I'm a tough cookie when I need to be. And I know that I'll find what it is I'm looking for. I may even find someone. Someone who wants me as much as I want them, and someone who will put me first, as I would put them first. I just need to remind myself of these things, and believe in them.

A friend of mine recently told me "Hilary, I'm going to give you the best advice you'll hear all year: don't worry so much." So, as the rules of improv clearly state, accept and build. I'll be okay.

Cats, Mangoes, And A Little BTB

Erik and I used to pass notes to each other during out creative fiction writing classes - but instead of notes, we wrote Haiku's. Then, Erik would hang them on his wall, and during parties, we would get drunk and read them out loud to our friends. They were ridiculous, and most of them were about the girl in our class who would read her stories aloud using different character voices, and wear a jacket that was covered in knitted cats. Her stories were also mostly about cats. We would also write about the girl who wanted to be the first woman to write an Indian tale of Cinderella or...something - only it always included mangoes and a mango tree, and picking the mangoes off of the tree, and then we would zone out - so really, I'm not sure what she ever read. I miss this stuff. College was a great experience. I never thought I would say this, but I can't wait to go back to grad school and take more classes. Look out, Fall 2011.

::EDIT::

I've been feeling a little out of sorts about things, and maybe not able to capture it in my own word as of late, so I'm stealing the rockin' Ben Taylor Band's.

"And I mostly remember the way that you look
And the only thing left is I'm lonely for you
Everything reminds me of you
And I hope that I find my way home soon"

And One More Thing

Addendum to last post: putting yourself out there is hard.

Bar Hoppin' In The 'Burg

Two posts in one day? Madness!

Tonight was... surreal. Tonight was one of those nights I need to get down in writing, or I won't quite remember it. Tonight, I had feelings and memories I couldn't share with any of the people I was physically with, and felt I had no one to reach out to to share. Surreal is really the absolute best way to put it. I'll say it again. Surreal. I'm a little tipsy.

I went out with my roommate, her cousin, and her cousins friends. We started off at a bar in Union Square, but after happy hour, were unable to get a table for dinner, as everything was reserved for the Yankee game. Instead, we headed back to Williamsburg, where we traveled up and down Bedford looking for instant seating. Unsatisfied with our options, we headed deeper into the 'Burg, landing at Mulholands Sports Bar. Walking in, I felt an odd sense of familiarity. We squeezed through the packed bar, looking for a table, and as we approached the back, I noticed how strangely reminiscent I felt about the fireplace, black leather chairs, and backyard patio covered in brick, when it suddenly hit me - I'd been here before. It took me a few minutes of looking around and racking my brain to realize that the reason it seemed so familiar, was because it was. Damien had taken Travis and I there to watch a football game and drink some beers. I found myself viciously scanning the room, looking for anything else to jog my memory, or even for Damien himself, thinking to myself "I look great tonight, what a perfect time to run into my ex-boyfriends brother!". This was to no avail, and as everyone else decided there was no point in waiting, we made our way through the thick crowd.

We walked a block or two, and landed at The Lodge where, holy crap, I'd also been many a time before. Yes - this was Damien's favorite spot, and he lived right around the corner from it. Since the rest of my group had decided to eat here, I swallowed hard, fighting off memories of late summer nights filled with laughter and drunken love, and took a seat, strategically placed in the corner where I could view the entire restaurant. My dinner sat practically untouched and my beer could have grown cobwebs, as I spent the majority of the time scouting and people watching. My cohorts barely noticed, so I was safe from mockery and ridicule. I took my sweet potato fries to go, and left with no appetite. As we walked towards the subway, I looked at every male I passed, hoping to spot a familiar face in the drunken haze of a Friday night in Brooklyn. As I walked back to my apartment, a feeling of pure disappointment flooded over me. Was I still hung up on this? I haven't seen or heard from Travis in a year and a half, and we've been broken up for almost 2 years now - how could I not be past this?

It was then the words a dear friend of mine rung true - you never fully recover from your first heartbreak. Here I am, 25 years old, starting this new life, the world at my finger tips - and I still have these moments of weakness. Of missing him (or, at least, what he was). Perhaps I'm still recovering. Maybe I never will recover completely. Maybe these are the battle scars you carry until you find that right person - that person who takes away that hurt and that pain, and those vivid memories of you sitting on your bed, begging him to admit his infidelity while he swears on his life you're crazy for thinking such things.

People never realize how much I've been through - nor are they aware of my strength. Tonight, visiting and exploring these thoughts and memories, I realized some things. I'm doing okay - and though I feel a little bit lost right now, I'm headed in a direction, be it right or wrong, and I'm going somewhere. I'm strong, and I need to gain back more of the confidence I once had. And most importantly, I'm ready to put myself out there. I'm ready to face the world, head on, in a way I don't think I've done it before - with confidence in myself, and knowing exactly what it is I want. I know what I'm looking for, and I'm excited. I'm optimistic, and I'm ready to let myself let go have some fun. And it's about damn time.

Out Of Spoons

Today, my supervisor and I bonded over music, and discovered how similar our tastes are in bands and artists. We then drowned our sorrows in Seattle food and cake- sorrows being the hellish work week we had, from Audits to VIP tours, to insanity all over the place. It was the most fulfilling and enjoyable week to date. I like it busy. It also made me realize how comfortable in my job I've become. I'm almost at 6 months - where did the time go?

Brooklyn is great, though I'm not really sure it's hit me yet that I'm here, and on my own for real. It feels just like college, only no classes (which, by the way, I definitely miss - time for grad school!). I'm settling in, slowly but surely, and working really hard at making my place look and feel amazing. I love that the view from my bedroom window is of the Empire State Building. I'm learning the neighborhood and the subways. I enjoy hipster watching. Now I need to meet some new people.

I'm also definitely ready to go back to school - I'm craving knowledge. I'm starting to research different performing arts and education programs, as well as looking into getting my masters in Literature or Writing, to follow my B.A. We'll see. Both of my parents have something like 3 degrees each, so getting a double masters would be par for the course, and what is expected. And now I've crossed into ramble mode. I'm tired.

I'm feeling lighter, and heading towards optimistic. My smile is just a tad bit wider.

"And now I'm walking in a park
All of the birds, they dance below me
Maybe when things turn green again
It will be good to say you know me
Oh, it's taking so long
I could be wrong, I could be ready
But if I take my hearts advice
I should assume it's still unready
I am in repair"

Today, I Give A Damn.

While I may not put up a mass status on Facebook or Twitter, I fully support purple spirit day - fighting hate crimes, LGBT equality, and putting an end to bullying. I look at what has happened over the past few weeks, and I am completely embarrassed. How can we, a society that prides itself on accepting others, a generation that wants to bring about change and be different, encourage the things that were going on years ago to continue? I won't preach, but I will stand strong. People are people, regardless of their sexual orientation. Perhaps it was always being in dance and theatre, or maybe growing up with two homosexual uncles, that desensitized me to the fact that people who are gay are considered "different". I always just thought it was natural. Love is love. You can't explain it, or justify it, and no one should have to. I support every PERSON, regardless of whether they love men or women, as everyone should.

SIGN UP, and help support and spread the message:

http://www.wegiveadamn.org/

Whoa.

I NEED TO UNPACK

I'm so overwhelmed by all the crap I have, and all the boxes floating around my aparmtnet. There is also a severe lack of furniture (hopefully being remedied soon!), and a massive (I mean massive) overflow of clothing. Seriously, it's a problem. There is no way I wear all of it, and yet, somehow, I can't seem to get rid of it. I always think "Well, I might wear this one day...I might need this for something...", thus the insane amount of boxes simply filled with fabric. Problem number two: where do I put all of said clothing? I couldn't bring my armoire with me because it's gigantic and really wouldn't fit in my apartment (so now I have to throw it away...sad), so I only have a closet and a dresser. A dresser with 6 little drawers. Yikes. I also need another bookshelf (apparently two isn't enough), and a coffee table, and a sofa, and some sanity.

IKEA! I NEED YOU!

That is all.

Bad Assery

Successful Halloween shopping trip (well... after 4 stores, but still):

That's all the blogging I have the energy for tonight. I'm not quite used to all this NYC walking! J'ai fatigue.

Why Hello, Brooklyn

The Empire State Building is glowing orange tonight. I can tell you this simply because it's what I'm starring at as I sit on my bed with the window open, while the dull roar of street traffic and Spanish music blares in the background. I can feel the stress draining out of my pores and dissolving from the cloud that has been looming over my head since last January. I have nothing unpacked, and no energy or true desire to do so just yet (which could simply be due to pure exhaustion). I'm surrounded by half opened boxes and empty shelves, and a carpet that is badly in need of vacuuming. The sound of airplanes flying low and echoing over the river continues to remind me that I’m just that close. All the walls are white, and we don’t have a couch or coffee table. The furniture we do have is covered in the dust of hand-me-down-love and mismatching wood tones. I hung Christmas lights up and down the banister almost 3 times, and then made about 8 miniature origami stars from Matt’s jar. I feel overwhelmed and completely at peace, and while many things in my life are uncertainties and flurries of chaos, I feel content in knowing that I’m here - wherever “here” may be. So while, yes, I have a lot of things to figure out, and a lot of life to experience now, I’m starting to truly believe that things will fall where they are supposed to. Because I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what’s happening now.

"Wake up naked drinking coffee,

Making plans to change the world

While the world is changing us

It was good good love.

We used to laugh under the covers

Maybe not so often now

The way I used to laugh with you

Was loud and hard

So what to do

With the rest of the day's afternoon, hey

Well isn't it strange how we change

Everything we did

Did I do all that I should?"