A Letter to 2012

Dear 2012,

What can I say that hasn't already been said?  You have dropped more knowledge on me than I knew what to do with.  You have filled me with so many ups and downs, ins and outs, overs and unders - you name it, you threw it at me.  While one might think that I should be angry with you and despise your very existence, I am here to tell you that I could not be more thankful. 

I have learned how strong I can be.  

I have learned to put myself out there, and be more fearless.  

I have had my heart broken, and learned how quickly I can repair myself.  

I have improved who I am, and how I feel.  

I have learned not to give too much of myself, period.

I have challenged myself in ways I never thought I would be able to, and come out successful. 

I have made new friendships, and rekindled old ones. 

I have learned that the people who matter the most make themselves known, just by being there for you - quality over quantity could not be more on point.  

I have learned that being a good friend can sometimes be the most important role.  

I have learned that I need to let go more often - of myself, of people, of past experiences - in order to move on and make room for new experiences, and new people.  

I have learned that a heart has no end to how much it can hold.  

I have learned that knowing what you need and needing what you want are two very different things.  

I have learned that standing up for yourself and who you are is the most empowering thing you can do for yourself.

I have learned that you can not lose yourself in any one person or any one thing - keeping yourself balanced is key.

I have realized how important fun is, and sometimes, you have to remind yourself that having it is so important.

I have realized that I deserve to be happy.  I deserve love, hope, friends, family, and all the good things in the world (and you do, too!).

I have learned that every experience is a learning experience.

And I will continue to believe that things happen for a reason - even if you can't see it at the time, even if it sucks more than anything, even if it feels like the end of the world and maybe the worst thing that could ever happen to you?  It will all work out in the end, and you will come out a stronger person on the other side.  It's amazing what happens when you least expect it, and what incredible things can come out of those you once thought might destroy you.

2013, I'm not sure what you have in store for me - but I know that no matter what it is, I will embrace it with open arms.  I will head into the new year with an adventurous spirit and positive attitude.  With so many plans in the works, it's hard not to be excited!

To all of you out there who have kept up with me here, thank you.  Thank you for staying active and reading, reaching out, and being you.  I look forward to sharing a new year full of stories, adventures, and long trains of thought that inevitably end up on this cute little site here.  Have a healthy, safe, and most importantly happy New Year!

-Hilary

It's All So Magical

“Happiness depends more on the inward disposition of mind than on outward circumstances.” - Benjamin Franklin

I spent a majority of my life wanting, yearning, dreaming of living in  
New York City.  

When I was 3 years old, I saw The Rockettes on TV performing at the Macy's Thanksgiving Day parade.  When I was 4, my mom enrolled me in my first tap class so that I could, one day, become one of those professional long-legged chorus-line kickers.  When I was 5, my parents took me to my very first Broadway show (to be fair, I saw two that year, and I can't remember which one was first - Peter Pan or The Secret Garden - either way, lucky kid, right?).  I very clearly remember that while we were standing in line to get in to the theatre, a homeless man was walking up and down the mass begging for food.  I insisted we give him money, and my father gave me a $5 bill to hand to him, which I did, with the firm grasp of my mothers hand on mine.  I don't remember what we ate for dinner, I don't remember the train ride, and I don't remember much of the shows (except the flying and the garden set and the cast of The Secret Garden saying a teary eyed "farewell since it was their closing performance).  Yet I can still picture the cool breath in the air, the lights of Time Square, and being in awe of the enormity and magnitude that was this giant place, this cement playground, this city of lights.

When I was 6, my mom took me in to the city for a special Mommy-Daughter day.  This may have been around the time she was pregnant with my brother (as I distinctly remember purchasing a pregnant Barbie Doll, where you could take a baby out of her springy-plastic belly - so strange).  We went ice skating at Rockefeller Center, had hot chocolate and soup at the Plaza, then went and played in F.A.O. Schwartz (where knocked-up Barbie was obtained), the coolest toy store at the time.  I remember riding home with my mom on the train, opening some of my new toys, and feeling really lucky to have gotten to spend an entire day with just my mom.  It was one of my favorite days of all time.

When I was 16, my Dad got remarried and moved to New York City - 97th and Broadway, to be exact.  My only thoughts at the time?  How stinkin' cool!  Now, I'd be spending every other weekend in the greatest city in the world.  Every weekend became an adventure.  My Dad and Step mom would take us to museums, parks, restaurants with foods I had never tried, street fairs, shows, and flea markets.  We spent one summer searching for all the NYC Cows (check it out: cowparade), and found most of them.  It was a massive culture shock, and one of the best things to ever happen to me.  It was also when I decided that no matter what, New York was where I needed to be.

It took me until I was 24 to get there - it took college, money, strength, support of my wonderful friends and family, a new job, and finally building up my own courage to pack my life into a U-Haul, cram 8 friends (and one mini Caraline jumping on my mattress) into a minivan, and drive the 60.3 miles to my new home in Brooklyn.  It was probably one of the toughest, greatest things I have ever done, and my life will be forever changed because of it.

("So I crammed my life in a U-Haul, to find my part of it all")

There are moments, late at night (or morning 2am-ers, in this case) that thoughts start racing.  The air is still and calm, my breath slowly releasing in the cool winters night, the bass line blasting through the wall of the apartment next door - it is now that I am able to take a step back and realize:

 I'm here.
Sometimes I simply can't believe it.

I look at my life - at what it is now, and what it was before - and I can't always understand how it came to be - how I got here.  I have grown so much, transitioned so many times, and learned so many lessons, good and bad.  I know I am a constant work in progress, and I am only now becoming the adult I had always envisioned myself being.  I am finally focused on what I am and what I want to be - what I'm capable of - versus what I should be,what I always imagined I was supposed to be, or what people expected of me.  I now understand none of that matters.  Was matters is being me, for better or for worse.  And at the end of the day, I think it's important that I remember this point:

I am really proud of myself.  

I don't say this to toot my own horn.  I don't say this to pat myself on the back, or imply that I've done something no one else has ever done.  I say this to remind myself that I have come a really long way since that scared little 17 year old girl, frightened of leaving home for college, or the teenager, scared to ever speak up for herself or fight for herself, all the way down to the 8 year old, who didn't even want to walk to school alone.  I spent years dreaming of living in what I believed to be the big, scary, magical New York City.  Now that I live here, I can assure you: it is, in fact, magical.  As far as the big and scary part?  Well sure.  That's there too.  But it's a really fun adventure.

A Time Holder

At this very moment in time, no truer words have been spoken.

Many apologies for the lack of postings - things have been a little hectic over here on my end.  Fear not, loyal followers!  Things should be returning to normal soon.  Thanks for hanging on :)

Thankful Turkey

What are you thankful for?

 Having an outlet, such as this, to be able to share and express my thoughts, my adventures, my stories, my opinions and choices, and encourage others to do the same.

Having a few days off to rest, recuperate, and recharge my batteries.

Having a plethora of friends who embrace and accept me for who I am - not with judgement or expectation, but with love and joy and open arms always.  They challenge me, teach me, and help shape who I am becoming.  I am very lucky.

Having the opportunity to take time for myself.

Frothy hot chocolates.

24-hour Bagelsmith - for those 4am sandwiches and freshly cooked bagels, literally, whenever I want them.

Remembering what a wise man named Fred once said (and continued to say) throughout college, and the ability to now truly understand it years later, and appreciate how far and wise beyond his years he really was.  "The universe will provide".  Thanks, Fred.

Rediscovering my passion and my heart.

Bobby pins and Mascara.

Grilled cheeses, plates full of pickles, and late night diner trips with incredible people.

This incredible city, and my ability to fall back in love with the fickle mistress, time after time after time.

My absolutely fabulous roommates - without whom, I would ever have discovered the laundry room mystery note, Adventures in Babysitting, or how to catch fruit flies in a mug.

Hummus veggie sandwishes and watermelon mozzarella salads.

My crazy little kitty, Oliver.  He may be nuts, but he has provided me with more love and comfort than I can ever truly express.

Fire pits, dance classes, karaoke, movies, and road trips with friends.

Hershey's Hugs.  Like Kisses, only more delicious.

The occasional manicure and mental health day.

The ocean.  Primarily for sushi and seahorses, but also for swimming.  Not so much for sharks.

I may have a love/hate relationship with social media, but if it weren't for Facebook, I would never have been able to reconnect with some of the most incredible people I have known and loved.

My family.  Every single member of it.

Most of all, I am thankful for being here, now.  I am thankful for having the opportunity to grow, learn, explore, discover, dance, sing, bop along to music as I walk down the street, read, write, share, live, and love.

Happy (slightly belated) Thanksgiving readers!

Daily Affirmation

 You tell 'em, kid.

On Staying Inspired

"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life." I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
- Maya Angelou

Kicking Walls and Making Noise

Does kicking a wall in desperate frustration right out on the street not caring what anyone thinks of you make you a New Yorker?  Can I have that crown now please?

Scene of the crime.  None of that damage was from me.

 have simply been having a kicking-my-foot-into-walls kind of week.  It's been stressful, frustrating, irritating, clingy, and impeccably annoying.  This week is the boyfriend I desperately need and want to break up with.  A reltionship gone sour, far past it's expiration date - not unlinke that yogurt in my fridge that hasn't been opened, and I am convinced it might still be okay to eat.  It probably is not.

The past few months have been littered with ups and downs, highs and lows, ins and outs, and tons of new experiences.  It's slightly refreshing to feel something different.  I've been productive and thoughtful.  I've taken myself out for dinner with the company of nothing but a good book and some killer noodles.  I've done a butt-ton of self reflecting, and a handful of self-inspiration.  I bought new running sneakers because I kicked ass on my first two 5K runs, and I damn well deserved a decent pair of running kicks.  I'm trying really hard to stay on top of things and allow my head to remaind above water, and not saying things to myself like "it's okay, you can cry when you get home", but rather "you're awesome, and you got this".


Sometimes it's really difficult to handle the ups and downs - especially when I'm down, and pulling myself out can be difficult.  I tend to get stuck in negative thought cycles, and while I'm learning to redirect and refocus, some days are harder than others. 

I am an incredibly impatient person when it comes to myself, and I think I'm getting anxious about things not happening faster.  I need to embrace the time I have, because it's not very often you get to completely concentrate on yourself.  I have the opportunity to regroup here - to redefine, and re-examine what makes me tick.  What I love, what I hate, what I want, what I need, my dreams, my realities, my goals - I get to work on me.  How often does a person truly get that chance?  I get to work on me.  I get to work on me.

After all, if we can't laugh at ourselves for throwing a temper tantrum over our own inability to express an emotion?  well shucks.  I'm out.