The Little Things

Lately, I've been trying to focus on the little things.

Walking to the L with confidence.

Blasting the new Regina on my morning commute.

Taking the ferry home from work.

New experiences.  New people.  New boundaries.  New mindset.

Eating a fresh beefsteak tomato - in one sitting.  Raw.

Accidentally spilling an entire waste container filled with bright blue, yellow, and pink ink from the copy machine all over myself.

A new phone cover, courtesy of Vera Bradley.

A Mr. Softee dip cone.

Having a conversation with a lonely older woman on the boat ride home.

Seeing my apartment building from the water.

Spending 3 hours eating and chatting in a famous-but-new-to-me pizza joint in a neighboring neighborhood.

Summer beers garnished with oranges.

Walking through the lit up park on a late summer night.

Stooping.  It's a thing.

The blue moon.

Rediscovering an old dress.

Rediscovering myself.

Driving with the windows down singing at the top of your lungs.

Walking past a kid playing with a 6 weeks old white kitten.  The same kid you walked past the week before, playing with the same kitten.  The kitten is bigger.

Watching Strong Bad Emails at work

Not changing the station when The Thong Song comes on the radio.  And remembering all the words.

Finding and loving new music.

Realizing you have 934 individual purchased songs in your iTunes.

Knowing where you are supposed to turn right, but going straight instead.  And continuing to drive.

Finding the entrance to a secret beer garden.

Learning about a secret bar, that is located behind a secret door in a secret phone booth with a secret dial code.

Retrieving the last thing that smells of you.

A sleeping kitten.

Learning that everything, and I do mean everything, is about timing.

A train ride to Moms new home.

A rainy train ride back with a good book and a new giraffe.

Finding the first fall leaf on the ground.

Noticing that the pink buildings I used to pass on my long NJ commute are still pink

Sitting on my giant roof, staring at the sky, the moon, the planes flying by.  Not seeing stars.  Knowing I know just where to go to find them.

Someone painting the word DREAM on the door to the roof in big bold capital letters.  DREAM.

Noticing the forgotten on my walks home, and finding the extraordinary in the ordinary - the things unseen or unnoticed.

Catching up with old friends.

Catching up with new friends.

A hug and a kiss from a Sweet Caraline

A hug and a kiss from Mommy.

How nothing ever changes.

How everything changes.

Spending the last summer weekend with family and friends, eating and drinking, barbecuing and laughing, getting eaten alive by mosquito's and not knowing it until the following morning.

Finding the moments of happiness in between all the rest.

Expunging the negative to make room for the positive.

Enjoying a night of complete inner peace, and hoping for many more to come.

Easy Breezey

This weekend, I was reminded of why I live here.  Street art, music performances, spontaneous gatherings and friends, impromptu soccer games, and seeing sides of the city I haven't yet experieced had me falling in love all over again (not to mention the absolute perfection that was the early summer weather). 

It also helps that my new job is pretty awesome, and allowing me the opportunity to be in different city neighborhoods each week, while exploring new parks and restaurants.  I love finding these little hole-in-the-wall boutiques and eateries that thrive soley based on word-of-mouth and discoveries by people just looking for new things and adventures.  I think this may be the summer of just that.

I say this because last summer, I told myself I would try and explore as much of the city as possible.  I think I did that, but I don't think I enjoyed myself as much as I should have, or could have.  Last summer turned into a summer of growth.  This summer, I'm going to try what I am not deeming the art of enjoyment - allowing myself to breathe everything in and embrace it.  Take stock of the little things, the moments that pass by, and just let go.  If I have learned anything in this transition it is that things can't always be controlled the way you want them to be.  People and things come in and out of your life the way they were designed to, and at some point, you need to allow for that or die fighting for things that may never be.  I am excited for the unknown and the adventures that lay ahead; To continue growing and learning and exploring all that I have yet to face.  I can't wait to see what's up next.

Hippity Hoppity New Year, Bitches

Happy New Year!

January is in full force, and has settled in as such. The winter blues have been absorbed in my mind body and soul this year, as the decorations come down, and the holiday spirit quickly shifts back to the daily routines of ordinary living.

In Brooklyn, trees are still aglow, sales rage on, bells still jingle and people seem to have stayed relatively cheery, donning new coats and scarves they received from their loved ones over the Christmas flurry. People are still handing out peppermint hot chocolate and festive cheer blazes on. Then I get on the subway. The train rages under the East River, and a depression settles in almost immediately. We approach First Avenue, and the first round of office drones wander off, looking slightly sad, slightly hopeless, and totally bummed out. This continues through Third Avenue, Union Square, Sixth Avenue, as we reach our final destination, Eighth Avenue. Now we are deep in the heart of the winter doldrums. Side note: Does anyone else just picture that scene from The Phantom Tollbooth upon hearing the word “Doldrums”? The scene in which Milo enters that gooey green and gray swamp mess? Anyone?

Perhaps it’s my work location, but I see such a dire and drastic transformation in just a matter of days - from December 30th to January 3rd, it’s as if the magical holiday fairies pack their bags and peace the hell out of New York City. I am talking specifically about the scuttle of rush hour around 34th Street. The miracle clearly only lasts for the month of December, because come January 1st, that miracle has vanished. Lights are turned off and taken down; The fake cans of snow sprayed on the windows has been wiped clean; Bare Christmas trees line the streets, pieces of tinsel and red ribbon still clinging to the pine needles for dear life, grasping on to any semblance of joy they can find; Worst of all, everyone is back to their cranky-rush-hour scuttling and pushing. The holiday spirit has disappeared, and reappeared as what I am deeming the Grumpy Grinchiness of January. It’s totally depressing.

Sadly, I am also riding the Grumps of January train. I can’t quite place what it is that always puts me in such a funk come January 2nd (I enjoy my New Years Day, thank you very much). Maybe it’s the culmination of holidays – my birthday in the beginning of October, leading into the excitement and parties of Halloween, followed closely by Thanksgiving-Chanukah-Christmas-New Years and then…nothing. Martin Luther King Day is as good as it’s going to get this month folks. I mean hey, I’ll take my Monday off and go to some museums, along with the rest of NYC’s public school children whose parents don’t know what to do with them, but other that that, what is there to look forward too? Impending blizzards from what supposedly promises to be “The worst winter we’ve seen in years!” (I have yet to see a snowflake, Weather Channel)? We can hope for a snow day. Groundhog Day? Presidents Day? I no longer get a spring break, so that quickly moves us along to Memorial Day and July 4th, where we can at least enjoy glorious weather and bi-weekly beach trips. Then we’re sucked back into Fall, and it’s October again. Is this what we’ve become? Holiday-seeking beings, waiting for Hallmark to build us up, only to drop us back down come the new year? How exhausting

I constantly find myself wandering into our conference room, gazing out across the Hudson, hoping for a glance at the Ocean, reminding me that there is so much more out there than I can even begin to be aware of. Watching the boats and barges calms my restlessness, even if only momentarily, and allows me a reprieve to breath. It is a momentary respite from my daily routine that I seem to crave in increasing amounts. I’ve always been an ambitious person, and currently, I am lacking in that regard. While I have insight on part of why that is, I am constantly seeking answers for the remaining holes. Every year or so, when I am comfortable where I am, I become restless for the next step. It makes me wonder if anything will ever be enough for me – if I will ever be truly fulfilled with anything I do, as so far, nothing has entirely filled that gap. Of course I am only 26. No one is where they want to end up when they are 26…Right?

Starting off this New Year, I am happy with where I am. I very much like living in such an amazing and grand city where I can find and do pretty much anything I like whenever I want it. I am a product of the Sesame Street Generation, and this city caters to exactly that. I love my apartment (save for the lack of drawers in my kitchen – really?) and even more, the location of my apartment. It’s still hard being so far from friends, who continually do group activities my moving away has made me unable to partake in. I am in no way mad about that, however I can’t help but feel sad sometimes. I try to visit as much as I can, but finances are tough. I wish and ask for visitors, but I can’t ever seem to get anyone to come. It makes me question my friendship value, or wonder if people truly are just that busy all the time. Emailing and texting is so hard when unreciprocated, so it’s tough to keep up. Feeling constantly left out hurts more than I thought it would; Funny how things manifest themselves when left alone long enough to linger. I just feel like I no longer fit into any group of friends. Not from home, not from theatre, not from college, not from work – I find myself wondering where I fall.

Making new friends in this city is so difficult. I need to keep signing up for things like soccer, and dance classes, and hope I make a friend or two here or there. Maybe going back to school will also come with a new set of comrades. My graduate school prospects excite me – possibly taking the GRE’s does not. These are things I am still striving to figure out.

I am also excited about getting back into shape. I have definitely fallen off the exercise boat for a while now, so it’s time to get back on. I don’t just say this as a New Years resolution, as I never follow through with those anyway. I say this as a lifestyle change I’ve been meaning to make for some time – now is just as convenient a time as any (and now there are no excuses!). Switching gyms is going to help with that a lot. I’m looking forward to being able to walk 7 blocks from my apartment and be at my gym. Ah, the expediency of location continues to amaze me. I also threw away any “bad” food I had tempting me in my apartment, and replaced it with things like fruit, salad, nuts – the works. Obviously, eating habits don’t change overnight, but if I only surround myself with good choices, then I can only make good choices, right? Forcing habits works! Jeff also got me a dance card for the holidays, and I no longer have an excuse to not dance – especially since I find myself not doing the things that make me the happiest, like dance and theatre. I need to find my swing of those things here. One step at a time.

Usually, I find myself doing some sort of New Years Resolutions post around this point in the year – but I have decided against it this time around. Instead, I’m just going to continue on the path I’ve found myself on, and explore as many options and possibilities as I can gather. 2011 was a great year for me. It started out a little crappy, and was filled with ridiculous ups and downs – but it also found me in a place I really like, truly starting an independent life on my own. They say your twenties are when you really figure everything out, and I’m certainly finding that to be true. I’m excited to keep searching, finding, and exploring.

This year has started by dancing to live soul music at a 60’s themed dance party at The Bell House, followed by throwing up in a bar in Williamsburg, while the next week was met with frustration and feeling stagnate and idle in my place in life – and the week after found me eating in Little Italy, rocking to Karaoke in the village, and playing (and coming in second!) in my very first Poker tournament, lasting until 4am in Gowanus, Brooklyn with a group of people I had never met before, introducing me not only to a new game, but new music and new conversation as well. Welcome to my mid-late twenties I suppose. The year of 2012 awaits. I’m psyched.