Sleepy

Does having a glass of wine alone make you an alcoholic?  How about a bottle?



I stole this picture from a new friend.  And I love that it combines 3 of my favorite things: dancing, philosophy, and dinosaurs.  And killer Killer lyrics - no harm there.  Focker, out.

Oh The Weather Outside Is Weather

It's snowing.  Work is cancelled for tomorrow.  I have a large mug of hot chocolate steaming to my left, and just enough food to get me to Wednesday.  Both of my roommates are home in New Jersey, and I'm snowed in alone with three bottles of wine and a plethora of Malibu.  My brother stayed with me for two nights, and we ordered in a Chinese food feast, watched Elf, Knocked Up, and at least 20 episodes of How I Met Your Mother, dipped chocolate Teddy Grahams into vanilla icing as makeshift Drunkaroos, and played an obscene amount of Lego Batman and Mario Brothers 3.  Symbolic dying flowers flop over the side of a vase on the top of the microwave because I didn't have the heart to throw them away.  My skylight is completely covered in snow, and there is actual drifting happening on my windowsills.  The sky is purple.

Memories have been flooding my vision today - each and every one of them making me smile from ear to ear.  There is something truly magical about the first big snow storm of the season (how very Lorelai Gilmore of me), the reminiscence, and the feelings that resurface.  Cancelled classes;  Lunch tray sledding outside of the Towers;  Stuck car doors; Snowball fights after rehearsals, resulting in a wicked case of bronchitis and 2 rounds of antibiotics (worth every second); Guitar Hero and practically ice skating across campus from the furthest and most dangerous mountain point to the next;  Fireplaces, and s'mores, and watching my kitties chase the flames; snowmen on our last winter as a family; a week-long state of emergency and being snowed in with Lauren for 5 days, while Jim, our neighbor, made a maze of paths with his mini snow plow for us to navigate (and Max was only 4, so he wasn't allowed out in the snow for fear of actually losing him); the giant mountain made by the snow plow in the center of the circle, resulting in weeks of fort making and sledding patterns; down to last years New Years Eve, and getting iced-in with some of my closest friends.

On a completely different note, I've gotten mixed up in a little bit of drama recently (and slightly by accident).  This incident, while  bringing some harsh realities to light, has given me reason to look at myself a little closer.  I don't like drama, or gossip, or anything of the sort - and if that is the case, I need to work a little harder on ridding it from my own life, and making sure I do not take part of it.  I've always believed that when things go wrong, it's important to take a step back and look at the situation as objectively as you can - if you are the common denominator, then maybe you are part of the problem.

My specific plight is that I'm too trusting, and too open.  I pride myself on being as honest as I can be - blunt even - and I think I need to pull back a little.  I need to keep my nose out of where it doesn't belong, even if I'm not doing so intentionally or maliciously.  Part of being a friend is just being there, and letting those you care about know you're there.  My friends have been amazing the past year - being there for me, holding my hand when I needed support and kicking my ass when I needed a wake up call, helping me move (some of them helping twice, and some on their birthday), and caring for me, even after seeing me at my worst.  I need to give some of them more credit, stop over thinking things, and let the little things slide away.  All I can do is hope that the people I put my trust in are the people who will always be there, and always have my back (as I will always have theirs).  Everything else is unimportant.

My horoscopes have been eerily on point as of late.  I hope they continue to impress.  I leave you with this one:

If you are having negative thoughts about this crazy season, you should really change your tune.  You have much to be grateful for, and you will have even more to be happy about very soon.  Live in the moment and appreciate it.

Ginger... What?!

Everything I have known up until this point has been a lie.

A few weeks ago, my friends and I went out to dinner at a cute little restaurant in Little Italy.  When the server came to take drink orders, I ordered a Ginger Ale.  My friend Nick commented on my selection ("Lame"), followed by my friend Bill uttering the now forever immortal words which permanently shattered the fragile illusion of perfection I lived my life on: "You know, most restaurants don't serve Ginger Ale - they just mix Coke and Sprite together and no one notices the difference.".  WHAT?!

I couldn't believe it.  I refused to believe it!  I awaited my drinks arrival in anticipation, hoping what Bill said was incorrect - it had to be.  As the server approached our table (and the world turned to slow motion), the air was tense.  We all held our breath as the glass with the golden, bubbling beverage was placed in front of me.  I slowly lifted the paper off the tip of the straw, and allowed the liquid to flow.  Sure enough, Bill's theory was, in fact, correct.  As the soda touched my lips, the glass shattered -  I knew this was not Ginger Ale, but what tasted like old Sprite with Coke syrup flowing through it.  What lies!  What blasphemy!  How could it be?  How could I have been so blind, so naive, so unquestioning and credulous?  All those years, wasted, thinking I was consuming one of my favorite beverages, could have all been falsities.

I decided to do some research, and see if this was as common a phenomenon as had just been suggested.  I went to my best friend, Google, and typed away with ferocity, hoping to stumble upon something proving all of this was wrong - it felt so very, very wrong.  What did I find?  That most restaurants, to cut costs, do not supply Ginger Ale, but in fact, have their servers combine the two aforementioned sodas to give the same coloring, while unsuspecting consumers indulge without question.  "But Hilary, doesn't Ginger Ale have ginger in it?"  Why yes, fellow readers, it does, thus adding to my complete and utter repulsion and resentment of every restaurant that has ever fooled me.  According to Wikipedia, the ingredients of Ginger Ale are as follows:

Ginger ale commonly contains ginger, sugar, and carbonated water.  Ginger ale can also contain yeast when carbonated with natural fermentation. Ginger content is often listed on labels in a general natural aroma or natural flavoring statement, to preserve secrecy of the complex proprietary mix of spices,  fruits and other flavors used.

GINGER Ale!  There is no ginger in Coke or Sprite (according to both my research, and  just general knowledge of what ingredients make up my favorite soda).  None!  How could the noble institutions, chain restaurants such as Applebees and Red Robin, take the most popular soft drink of the United States from 1860 to 1930, and give it so little justice?

Now, I have a mission.  I am going to order Ginger Ale at each and every food establishment I visit, and see if I can tell the difference between the impostor, and the true soda hero.  I will fight for the name of Dr. Cantrell of Northern Ireland (the supposed inventor of the glorious beverage).  I will fight.  And I will win.

Good day, mere mortals.  Good day.

A Mental Mind Explosion

I spent about an hour wondering around the holiday market at Union Square yesterday evening.  It was freezing cold, and a little windy, but had that true holiday magic feel (along with an orthodox Jew yelling "Happy Chanukah, who celebrates Chanukah!").  I felt like I was wondering through a scene from a movie - crafts and jewelry, scarves, hats, purses, soaps, anything and everything you could imagine, surrounded by lights and garlands, with the most creative and interesting people wrapped up in their coats and hats, just willing to talk or sell some of their artwork, under canopies and tents, all different shapes, sizes, and colors.  It felt truly magical.

It actually roused a great deal of thought.  I began thinking a lot about the past year - the ups,  the downs, the spectacular, the average, and everything in between - however, what continued to pop up, as it has been for the past few months, was this past summer, and all the events leading up to it - my family, our move, the stress, and the relationships fractured among us because of it all.  I've spent the past few months in transition, moving out of my home and crashing in my moms tiny apartment for a few months while I looked for a place - then moving out on my own, to a brand new big city, completely out of my comfort zone.  While I have been here now a little over 2 months, I'm still feeling the unrest, the after effects - and it took me until now to realize that that is what has been going on with me. 

I've been feeling out of sorts, down, alone, scared, and anxious for months upon months now.  I thought that once I moved out of my house, all of that would just magically disappear, and I'd be nothing put perfectly happy and content, satisfied with my decisions, and ready to jump into the world.  Yes, I'm much less anxious than I was from June until October, yes I'm happy I made the decision to move here and work here, but I've never felt more vulnerable or insecure.  I feel like a moving target - like all it takes is looking at me, and you can see right through me.  My eyes give me away.  They show my stress, and fear, and pure exhaustion from this past year.  My body has physically reacted as well - I'm sore and tired, and I can barely keep food down.

I think what I'm looking for is some sort of answer or a sign, which is silly.  Things happen because you make them happen, not because you sit around and wait for them.  I think I need to allow myself to feel again - I've shut down a lot of myself, out of fear of getting hurt again, out of anger, and just being scared overall.  I've shut myself down emotionally without even realizing it in order to protect myself.  But what is it I'm protecting myself from?  Being happy?  Enjoying life?  Moving on? 

Have the past two years been rough?  Hell yes.  But how long can I live hanging on to that?  How long can I dwell on missing my parents and the ideal family life I wish I had?  I don't have the picture perfect household, and I never will - I need to embrace what I have (which is way more than plenty others do), and realize that there is love surrounding me, whether it shows itself the way I wish it would or not.  How long can I wish my Mother wasn't ill, that she was healthy and happy?  She isn't.  But she's my Mother, and I love her, and need to learn to accept her the way she is.  How long can I think back to Travis and wish things had turned out differently?  They didn't.  I have to stop idealizing him any more than I already have in the past.

I think the holidays always stir up an excess of emotions in people they weren't necessarily ready to deal with.  Perhaps this is why people dread the holidays.  I think of how for five years in a row, I spent Christmas with the person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with - how his family embraced me as their own, how everything about this time of year brings me back to that chiminae and the snowfall on Christmas Eve, to quiche's and wine, and the family that wasn't family whom I loved whole-heartedly.  I think back to cold, wintry mornings at 7am, shelving books and arranging holiday displays, mocking managers and flirting with friends, going out for beers, milkshakes and fries, stolen kisses, and snuggling up baking cookies for staff meetings.  And this year, I'm scared.  Because I don't have any of that.  I have nothing familiar, and no one in particular to share it with.  It's things like this that I'm scared make me numb - that make me block out when good actually does come upon me, because I'm so afraid I'll be let down again.  That is something I need to move past, and learn how to open myself again.

My friend Jaimie put it best - she told me to have some Hilary time, and just enjoy being in the city.  She's absolutely right.

The Lotus

I've always loved the Lotus flower.  Aside from being incredibly unique and breathtakingly beautiful, it's a flower that holds such a great deal of meaning and symbolism behind it, it's hard not to be fascinated by the thing.  It grows in dirty water, swamps, and bogs, and yet produces a product so magnificent, you would think it was rooted their purposefully.  Growing through mud, it always comes out unstained.

In Buddhism, the Lotus represents Nirvana - the time when the Lotus blooms out of the dirty water, is the time a person has reached their full potential, and are ready for rebirth and reincarnation. It is this reason that often times, Buddha is depicted as sitting on, or coming out of, a Lotus flower.  This shows how he was able to surpass the pain of multiple reincarnations through the "material" world, and reach Nirvana.  Purity of body, speech, and mind.

In Egyptian and Hindu mythology, the Lotus is compared to the sun - the flower closes and hides beneath the water at night, and then rises and reopens at dawn.  It is for this reason the flower is often associated with Atom, the sun God, who, along with the sun itself, represents reincarnation as well - rising, shining, setting into darkness, and repeating - just like life.  Divine beauty.

Asian traditions view the Lotus as sexual purity and non-attachment. 

The Lotus can be used to represent change, enlightenment, rebirth, and new beginnings, as well as strength, and heart.  The various colors also each represent something different, but that would take hours.

Last night, my Dad and Step-mom gave me a necklace with a Lotus pendant on it, and with extremely great reason.  This is my rebirth, and my new beginning.  I've always been slightly afraid of major changes, and it's time for me to not only accept it, but embrace it.  This necklace reminds me of that.  I need to bring light back into my heart, and take in all the things happening around me.  I'm really happy they reminded me of why I'm really here, and of why I always wanted to be here.  I think it's easy to forget - with bills, and working, and living, and trying to budget and pay rent, have enough money for food and transportation - I've just spent too much time worrying.  Everything happens for a reason, and things work out they way they should, just not always in the way you expected, and I need to understand that, and be more flexible.  The past year or so has gotten me so clenched up and closed off, and that's not who I am.  I'm free spirited, adventurous, serious but fun, responsible but impulsive - and I need to get that back, let go, and fly.

A Little Break