I spent about an hour wondering around the holiday market at Union Square yesterday evening. It was freezing cold, and a little windy, but had that true holiday magic feel (along with an orthodox Jew yelling "Happy Chanukah, who celebrates Chanukah!"). I felt like I was wondering through a scene from a movie - crafts and jewelry, scarves, hats, purses, soaps, anything and everything you could imagine, surrounded by lights and garlands, with the most creative and interesting people wrapped up in their coats and hats, just willing to talk or sell some of their artwork, under canopies and tents, all different shapes, sizes, and colors. It felt truly magical.
It actually roused a great deal of thought. I began thinking a lot about the past year - the ups, the downs, the spectacular, the average, and everything in between - however, what continued to pop up, as it has been for the past few months, was this past summer, and all the events leading up to it - my family, our move, the stress, and the relationships fractured among us because of it all. I've spent the past few months in transition, moving out of my home and crashing in my moms tiny apartment for a few months while I looked for a place - then moving out on my own, to a brand new big city, completely out of my comfort zone. While I have been here now a little over 2 months, I'm still feeling the unrest, the after effects - and it took me until now to realize that that is what has been going on with me.
I've been feeling out of sorts, down, alone, scared, and anxious for months upon months now. I thought that once I moved out of my house, all of that would just magically disappear, and I'd be nothing put perfectly happy and content, satisfied with my decisions, and ready to jump into the world. Yes, I'm much less anxious than I was from June until October, yes I'm happy I made the decision to move here and work here, but I've never felt more vulnerable or insecure. I feel like a moving target - like all it takes is looking at me, and you can see right through me. My eyes give me away. They show my stress, and fear, and pure exhaustion from this past year. My body has physically reacted as well - I'm sore and tired, and I can barely keep food down.
I think what I'm looking for is some sort of answer or a sign, which is silly. Things happen because you make them happen, not because you sit around and wait for them. I think I need to allow myself to feel again - I've shut down a lot of myself, out of fear of getting hurt again, out of anger, and just being scared overall. I've shut myself down emotionally without even realizing it in order to protect myself. But what is it I'm protecting myself from? Being happy? Enjoying life? Moving on?
Have the past two years been rough? Hell yes. But how long can I live hanging on to that? How long can I dwell on missing my parents and the ideal family life I wish I had? I don't have the picture perfect household, and I never will - I need to embrace what I have (which is way more than plenty others do), and realize that there is love surrounding me, whether it shows itself the way I wish it would or not. How long can I wish my Mother wasn't ill, that she was healthy and happy? She isn't. But she's my Mother, and I love her, and need to learn to accept her the way she is. How long can I think back to Travis and wish things had turned out differently? They didn't. I have to stop idealizing him any more than I already have in the past.
I think the holidays always stir up an excess of emotions in people they weren't necessarily ready to deal with. Perhaps this is why people dread the holidays. I think of how for five years in a row, I spent Christmas with the person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with - how his family embraced me as their own, how everything about this time of year brings me back to that chiminae and the snowfall on Christmas Eve, to quiche's and wine, and the family that wasn't family whom I loved whole-heartedly. I think back to cold, wintry mornings at 7am, shelving books and arranging holiday displays, mocking managers and flirting with friends, going out for beers, milkshakes and fries, stolen kisses, and snuggling up baking cookies for staff meetings. And this year, I'm scared. Because I don't have any of that. I have nothing familiar, and no one in particular to share it with. It's things like this that I'm scared make me numb - that make me block out when good actually does come upon me, because I'm so afraid I'll be let down again. That is something I need to move past, and learn how to open myself again.
My friend Jaimie put it best - she told me to have some Hilary time, and just enjoy being in the city. She's absolutely right.
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