Tonight I recieved the greatest gift of all time, from the most thoughtful and hardworking people I've ever worked with. I couldn't help but brag.
Mad. Props. Pennington Drama. You guys are, officially, the coolest.
Saturday, February 28, 2009
Monday, February 23, 2009
The next few weeks, including this one, are really big, crazy, insane, exciting, and important ones. I know it shouldn't matter whether or not he knows or cares, but it's all I can think about - these are weeks he was supposed to be with me, that I was going to be able to share with him - and I doubt if he even remembers.
I don't mean to generalize, but how is it that men's brains are so unlike women's? How do two humans from the same species work so differently? Not to say that women don't cheat, because they do - but in this circumstance, how can two people be such polar opposites, when just weeks ago they seemed so similar?
What I still can't seem to wrap my mind around is this: how did I not know? I mean, I know how I didn't know - because I didn't, and he's an hour away living a separate life - but how was he able to hide it so well, and be okay with that? How was he able to sleep at night, knowing all along that he had cheated on me, twice? I just have so many questions - questions in which I now know I will never get answers to - and so much I want to say and know and have resolved. But I can't. I can't ask him, because aside from getting nowhere except the land of frustration, I just get upset, and obviously no one else can speak for him, or tell me the exact reason as to why his actions were as such.
Things I do know? He is a coward, and an insanely insecure one at that. He showed no respect for me, or for what our relationship was. He is a liar and a cheater (and everyone knows that never changes - as I should have seen from the start). He has no conscience, because if he did, he wouldn't have done it, let alone be able to sleep at night for a year. Worst of all, he is someone entirely different than I thought, and he is not a good person. Good people don't treat others like this.
I hate that I still think about him so much. I hate that I still wonder what he is doing, and that every Saturday rolls around, and I become such a mess, because I know he's going out and having the time of his life, not even thinking about me or how he left me. I hate what he left me with, and the fact that I feel ruined for the next person. I hate that this will always somehow be with me, and my ability to trust others is effected for what seems like forever. I hate that I lost respect for the first person I truly loved. I hate that this is how it ended. I hate that I cry at night over him, because he doesn't deserve my tears. And I hate him. I hate him for doing this to me, and treating me this way, and for the overall person I now see he is.
The worst thing? I hate that I still love him, and that I still can't really hate him for what he did. And part of me still thinks I'm going to wake up, and things are going to be right again - that maybe this is just all some Oz-like dream that feels so incredibly real, but in reality I was just knocked around in a tornado a little bit.
I just want to feel like myself again. I just want out of this foggy cloud, and I just want to be happy. I just want to find some peace. It seems as though that's a lot to ask for.
I don't mean to generalize, but how is it that men's brains are so unlike women's? How do two humans from the same species work so differently? Not to say that women don't cheat, because they do - but in this circumstance, how can two people be such polar opposites, when just weeks ago they seemed so similar?
What I still can't seem to wrap my mind around is this: how did I not know? I mean, I know how I didn't know - because I didn't, and he's an hour away living a separate life - but how was he able to hide it so well, and be okay with that? How was he able to sleep at night, knowing all along that he had cheated on me, twice? I just have so many questions - questions in which I now know I will never get answers to - and so much I want to say and know and have resolved. But I can't. I can't ask him, because aside from getting nowhere except the land of frustration, I just get upset, and obviously no one else can speak for him, or tell me the exact reason as to why his actions were as such.
Things I do know? He is a coward, and an insanely insecure one at that. He showed no respect for me, or for what our relationship was. He is a liar and a cheater (and everyone knows that never changes - as I should have seen from the start). He has no conscience, because if he did, he wouldn't have done it, let alone be able to sleep at night for a year. Worst of all, he is someone entirely different than I thought, and he is not a good person. Good people don't treat others like this.
I hate that I still think about him so much. I hate that I still wonder what he is doing, and that every Saturday rolls around, and I become such a mess, because I know he's going out and having the time of his life, not even thinking about me or how he left me. I hate what he left me with, and the fact that I feel ruined for the next person. I hate that this will always somehow be with me, and my ability to trust others is effected for what seems like forever. I hate that I lost respect for the first person I truly loved. I hate that this is how it ended. I hate that I cry at night over him, because he doesn't deserve my tears. And I hate him. I hate him for doing this to me, and treating me this way, and for the overall person I now see he is.
The worst thing? I hate that I still love him, and that I still can't really hate him for what he did. And part of me still thinks I'm going to wake up, and things are going to be right again - that maybe this is just all some Oz-like dream that feels so incredibly real, but in reality I was just knocked around in a tornado a little bit.
I just want to feel like myself again. I just want out of this foggy cloud, and I just want to be happy. I just want to find some peace. It seems as though that's a lot to ask for.
Tuesday, February 10, 2009
The Tale of Lucky
Tonight, I discovered that if you lie on the floor in my dinning/living room with your ear against the carpet, you can hear my neighbors talking. Either that, or there are baby gremlins hanging out in the pipes.
About 5 or 6 years ago, my one set of neighbors got a dog - a little adorable baby beagle named Lucky. They walked him everyday for about a year. Then we stopped seeing him.
Ever. We assumed something had happened - maybe they gave the dog away, or maybe he got sick, who knows. However, a few weeks later, we heard howling (As only a beagle can do) coming from what seemed like outside. I went in my backyard to see if there was a dying dog (because that is what it sounded like), but to no avail. Yet, the howling continued. This would happen every few weeks, sometimes for a few nights in a row, sometimes only once in a while. Ghost dog, you ask? Demon puppy, perhaps?
No. Our neighbors simply keep their little pooch locked in their basement. At all times. I know this, because I finally followed the howling, and it led to their basement, which has a window, which allows a person to see a dog trapped howling inside. WHAT.
My mom is convinced that they are just breeding dogs, and then eating them. I think they're aliens. Either way, I think it borders on animal cruelty - because no one on my street even thinks they HAVE a dog, and think we're nuts when we say they do.
Actions to take? Call SAVE, I guess. However, from my understanding, they don't really do anything, and then, I'm convinced, my neighbors will know it was us, and poison my cat or something.
I wonder if I have ever accidentally eaten dog?
About 5 or 6 years ago, my one set of neighbors got a dog - a little adorable baby beagle named Lucky. They walked him everyday for about a year. Then we stopped seeing him.
Ever. We assumed something had happened - maybe they gave the dog away, or maybe he got sick, who knows. However, a few weeks later, we heard howling (As only a beagle can do) coming from what seemed like outside. I went in my backyard to see if there was a dying dog (because that is what it sounded like), but to no avail. Yet, the howling continued. This would happen every few weeks, sometimes for a few nights in a row, sometimes only once in a while. Ghost dog, you ask? Demon puppy, perhaps?No. Our neighbors simply keep their little pooch locked in their basement. At all times. I know this, because I finally followed the howling, and it led to their basement, which has a window, which allows a person to see a dog trapped howling inside. WHAT.
My mom is convinced that they are just breeding dogs, and then eating them. I think they're aliens. Either way, I think it borders on animal cruelty - because no one on my street even thinks they HAVE a dog, and think we're nuts when we say they do.
Actions to take? Call SAVE, I guess. However, from my understanding, they don't really do anything, and then, I'm convinced, my neighbors will know it was us, and poison my cat or something.
I wonder if I have ever accidentally eaten dog?
Monday, February 9, 2009
Sunday, February 8, 2009
I know this has all become less objective, and more personal. It's just the way it is.
I hate feeling sad. It's how I feel almost all of the time right now, and the only word I can think of to describe it is "suck". It just sucks. When a person is such a big part of your life for so long, it's really hard to not have it there anymore - especially when you thought it was something you wanted.
I have always heard people say that when someone breaks your heart, it literally feels as though your chest is breaking in to pieces. I was never able to understand that until now - though it's not something I'm proud to feel. I was driving home from rehearsal today, and as a song came on that reminded me of him, my chest physically started to hurt. I miss him. I miss having him in my life, I miss being able to call him up and tell him everything that's going on, sharing the good and the bad, having him reason me out when I'm being unreasonable, quoting movies, laughing, and just being.
Whether or not it's the case, it seems as though I was able to lift right out of his life, no questions asked. It was as though I were not important enough to cause a rift. How did this happen? And why was it happening all around me without my knowing? Why did everyone else know, and I was the last to find out?
Cheating sucks. I don't understand it, nor do I think I ever will. And I am okay with that.
I hate feeling sad. It's how I feel almost all of the time right now, and the only word I can think of to describe it is "suck". It just sucks. When a person is such a big part of your life for so long, it's really hard to not have it there anymore - especially when you thought it was something you wanted.
I have always heard people say that when someone breaks your heart, it literally feels as though your chest is breaking in to pieces. I was never able to understand that until now - though it's not something I'm proud to feel. I was driving home from rehearsal today, and as a song came on that reminded me of him, my chest physically started to hurt. I miss him. I miss having him in my life, I miss being able to call him up and tell him everything that's going on, sharing the good and the bad, having him reason me out when I'm being unreasonable, quoting movies, laughing, and just being.
Whether or not it's the case, it seems as though I was able to lift right out of his life, no questions asked. It was as though I were not important enough to cause a rift. How did this happen? And why was it happening all around me without my knowing? Why did everyone else know, and I was the last to find out?
Cheating sucks. I don't understand it, nor do I think I ever will. And I am okay with that.
Tuesday, February 3, 2009
Garfield Minus Garfield
During the festive holiday season, I came across a book, which is based off of a website - Garfield Minus Garfield. As stated at the top of the site:
Garfield Minus Garfield is a site dedicated to removing Garfield from the Garfield comic strips in order to reveal the existential angst of a certain young Mr. Jon Arbuckle. It is a journey deep into the mind of an isolated young everyman as he fights a losing battle against loneliness and depression in a quiet American suburb.
Ah. Mazing.
I have literally spent hours just laughing at these. Hours. Hilarity ensues.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
Gone Crazy, Back Soon
I'm not entirely sure what to say anymore.
I do know that I have some supremely incredible friends, and without them, I don't necessarily know what I would be doing. They are, quite literally, keeping me sane. And I am honestly having fun - I've gone bowling, gone out for drinks, seen movies, and tonight, went to a really fun Superbowl party, where I actually had fun. Which means there are actually times when I'm not thinking about the situation, or him. Which is good. Of course as soon as I realize I haven't been thinking about it, I think about it. But this is a good first step. Hopefully the time spans of not thinking about it will start to get longer. It's like rehab. Apparently, I suck at rehab.
I think I need to clean out my entire room, completely. I think I need to take things down and rearrange. That, and my closet is filled with crap, and needs not to be. Plus, my walls are a little too high school/college. I need to adult-ise it.
I hate that this is all I can write about right now, and I apologize for it. It's taken over my life, and I despise it, but it's all that's on my mind. He changed his status on Facebook, which I know, is stupid, and it's just Facebook - but it really upset me. I saw "single" in print. It felt so hard, so real. It was a slap in the face I was not ready for. Although I do take back all the overly dramatic statuses I put up. But who was thinking logically?
I'm just tired of cowards. And I hope that one day, I'll meet someone that would never dream of doing this to me, or anyone, for that matter. Someone who would never cheat on me, who would communicate and talk to me when something was wrong, someone who would never lie, or treat me like the nothing I'm beginning to feel like after all of this. Someone who will love me as much as I love them, and who will truly want to share their life with me. I hate that I thought I had that, and within moments, it was just swept out from under me. It's not fair, and I didn't deserve it. No one does.
It's good to write it out.
I do know that I have some supremely incredible friends, and without them, I don't necessarily know what I would be doing. They are, quite literally, keeping me sane. And I am honestly having fun - I've gone bowling, gone out for drinks, seen movies, and tonight, went to a really fun Superbowl party, where I actually had fun. Which means there are actually times when I'm not thinking about the situation, or him. Which is good. Of course as soon as I realize I haven't been thinking about it, I think about it. But this is a good first step. Hopefully the time spans of not thinking about it will start to get longer. It's like rehab. Apparently, I suck at rehab.
I think I need to clean out my entire room, completely. I think I need to take things down and rearrange. That, and my closet is filled with crap, and needs not to be. Plus, my walls are a little too high school/college. I need to adult-ise it.
I hate that this is all I can write about right now, and I apologize for it. It's taken over my life, and I despise it, but it's all that's on my mind. He changed his status on Facebook, which I know, is stupid, and it's just Facebook - but it really upset me. I saw "single" in print. It felt so hard, so real. It was a slap in the face I was not ready for. Although I do take back all the overly dramatic statuses I put up. But who was thinking logically?
I'm just tired of cowards. And I hope that one day, I'll meet someone that would never dream of doing this to me, or anyone, for that matter. Someone who would never cheat on me, who would communicate and talk to me when something was wrong, someone who would never lie, or treat me like the nothing I'm beginning to feel like after all of this. Someone who will love me as much as I love them, and who will truly want to share their life with me. I hate that I thought I had that, and within moments, it was just swept out from under me. It's not fair, and I didn't deserve it. No one does.
It's good to write it out.
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