Sleepy

Does having a glass of wine alone make you an alcoholic?  How about a bottle?



I stole this picture from a new friend.  And I love that it combines 3 of my favorite things: dancing, philosophy, and dinosaurs.  And killer Killer lyrics - no harm there.  Focker, out.

Oh The Weather Outside Is Weather

It's snowing.  Work is cancelled for tomorrow.  I have a large mug of hot chocolate steaming to my left, and just enough food to get me to Wednesday.  Both of my roommates are home in New Jersey, and I'm snowed in alone with three bottles of wine and a plethora of Malibu.  My brother stayed with me for two nights, and we ordered in a Chinese food feast, watched Elf, Knocked Up, and at least 20 episodes of How I Met Your Mother, dipped chocolate Teddy Grahams into vanilla icing as makeshift Drunkaroos, and played an obscene amount of Lego Batman and Mario Brothers 3.  Symbolic dying flowers flop over the side of a vase on the top of the microwave because I didn't have the heart to throw them away.  My skylight is completely covered in snow, and there is actual drifting happening on my windowsills.  The sky is purple.

Memories have been flooding my vision today - each and every one of them making me smile from ear to ear.  There is something truly magical about the first big snow storm of the season (how very Lorelai Gilmore of me), the reminiscence, and the feelings that resurface.  Cancelled classes;  Lunch tray sledding outside of the Towers;  Stuck car doors; Snowball fights after rehearsals, resulting in a wicked case of bronchitis and 2 rounds of antibiotics (worth every second); Guitar Hero and practically ice skating across campus from the furthest and most dangerous mountain point to the next;  Fireplaces, and s'mores, and watching my kitties chase the flames; snowmen on our last winter as a family; a week-long state of emergency and being snowed in with Lauren for 5 days, while Jim, our neighbor, made a maze of paths with his mini snow plow for us to navigate (and Max was only 4, so he wasn't allowed out in the snow for fear of actually losing him); the giant mountain made by the snow plow in the center of the circle, resulting in weeks of fort making and sledding patterns; down to last years New Years Eve, and getting iced-in with some of my closest friends.

On a completely different note, I've gotten mixed up in a little bit of drama recently (and slightly by accident).  This incident, while  bringing some harsh realities to light, has given me reason to look at myself a little closer.  I don't like drama, or gossip, or anything of the sort - and if that is the case, I need to work a little harder on ridding it from my own life, and making sure I do not take part of it.  I've always believed that when things go wrong, it's important to take a step back and look at the situation as objectively as you can - if you are the common denominator, then maybe you are part of the problem.

My specific plight is that I'm too trusting, and too open.  I pride myself on being as honest as I can be - blunt even - and I think I need to pull back a little.  I need to keep my nose out of where it doesn't belong, even if I'm not doing so intentionally or maliciously.  Part of being a friend is just being there, and letting those you care about know you're there.  My friends have been amazing the past year - being there for me, holding my hand when I needed support and kicking my ass when I needed a wake up call, helping me move (some of them helping twice, and some on their birthday), and caring for me, even after seeing me at my worst.  I need to give some of them more credit, stop over thinking things, and let the little things slide away.  All I can do is hope that the people I put my trust in are the people who will always be there, and always have my back (as I will always have theirs).  Everything else is unimportant.

My horoscopes have been eerily on point as of late.  I hope they continue to impress.  I leave you with this one:

If you are having negative thoughts about this crazy season, you should really change your tune.  You have much to be grateful for, and you will have even more to be happy about very soon.  Live in the moment and appreciate it.

Ginger... What?!

Everything I have known up until this point has been a lie.

A few weeks ago, my friends and I went out to dinner at a cute little restaurant in Little Italy.  When the server came to take drink orders, I ordered a Ginger Ale.  My friend Nick commented on my selection ("Lame"), followed by my friend Bill uttering the now forever immortal words which permanently shattered the fragile illusion of perfection I lived my life on: "You know, most restaurants don't serve Ginger Ale - they just mix Coke and Sprite together and no one notices the difference.".  WHAT?!

I couldn't believe it.  I refused to believe it!  I awaited my drinks arrival in anticipation, hoping what Bill said was incorrect - it had to be.  As the server approached our table (and the world turned to slow motion), the air was tense.  We all held our breath as the glass with the golden, bubbling beverage was placed in front of me.  I slowly lifted the paper off the tip of the straw, and allowed the liquid to flow.  Sure enough, Bill's theory was, in fact, correct.  As the soda touched my lips, the glass shattered -  I knew this was not Ginger Ale, but what tasted like old Sprite with Coke syrup flowing through it.  What lies!  What blasphemy!  How could it be?  How could I have been so blind, so naive, so unquestioning and credulous?  All those years, wasted, thinking I was consuming one of my favorite beverages, could have all been falsities.

I decided to do some research, and see if this was as common a phenomenon as had just been suggested.  I went to my best friend, Google, and typed away with ferocity, hoping to stumble upon something proving all of this was wrong - it felt so very, very wrong.  What did I find?  That most restaurants, to cut costs, do not supply Ginger Ale, but in fact, have their servers combine the two aforementioned sodas to give the same coloring, while unsuspecting consumers indulge without question.  "But Hilary, doesn't Ginger Ale have ginger in it?"  Why yes, fellow readers, it does, thus adding to my complete and utter repulsion and resentment of every restaurant that has ever fooled me.  According to Wikipedia, the ingredients of Ginger Ale are as follows:

Ginger ale commonly contains ginger, sugar, and carbonated water.  Ginger ale can also contain yeast when carbonated with natural fermentation. Ginger content is often listed on labels in a general natural aroma or natural flavoring statement, to preserve secrecy of the complex proprietary mix of spices,  fruits and other flavors used.

GINGER Ale!  There is no ginger in Coke or Sprite (according to both my research, and  just general knowledge of what ingredients make up my favorite soda).  None!  How could the noble institutions, chain restaurants such as Applebees and Red Robin, take the most popular soft drink of the United States from 1860 to 1930, and give it so little justice?

Now, I have a mission.  I am going to order Ginger Ale at each and every food establishment I visit, and see if I can tell the difference between the impostor, and the true soda hero.  I will fight for the name of Dr. Cantrell of Northern Ireland (the supposed inventor of the glorious beverage).  I will fight.  And I will win.

Good day, mere mortals.  Good day.

A Mental Mind Explosion

I spent about an hour wondering around the holiday market at Union Square yesterday evening.  It was freezing cold, and a little windy, but had that true holiday magic feel (along with an orthodox Jew yelling "Happy Chanukah, who celebrates Chanukah!").  I felt like I was wondering through a scene from a movie - crafts and jewelry, scarves, hats, purses, soaps, anything and everything you could imagine, surrounded by lights and garlands, with the most creative and interesting people wrapped up in their coats and hats, just willing to talk or sell some of their artwork, under canopies and tents, all different shapes, sizes, and colors.  It felt truly magical.

It actually roused a great deal of thought.  I began thinking a lot about the past year - the ups,  the downs, the spectacular, the average, and everything in between - however, what continued to pop up, as it has been for the past few months, was this past summer, and all the events leading up to it - my family, our move, the stress, and the relationships fractured among us because of it all.  I've spent the past few months in transition, moving out of my home and crashing in my moms tiny apartment for a few months while I looked for a place - then moving out on my own, to a brand new big city, completely out of my comfort zone.  While I have been here now a little over 2 months, I'm still feeling the unrest, the after effects - and it took me until now to realize that that is what has been going on with me. 

I've been feeling out of sorts, down, alone, scared, and anxious for months upon months now.  I thought that once I moved out of my house, all of that would just magically disappear, and I'd be nothing put perfectly happy and content, satisfied with my decisions, and ready to jump into the world.  Yes, I'm much less anxious than I was from June until October, yes I'm happy I made the decision to move here and work here, but I've never felt more vulnerable or insecure.  I feel like a moving target - like all it takes is looking at me, and you can see right through me.  My eyes give me away.  They show my stress, and fear, and pure exhaustion from this past year.  My body has physically reacted as well - I'm sore and tired, and I can barely keep food down.

I think what I'm looking for is some sort of answer or a sign, which is silly.  Things happen because you make them happen, not because you sit around and wait for them.  I think I need to allow myself to feel again - I've shut down a lot of myself, out of fear of getting hurt again, out of anger, and just being scared overall.  I've shut myself down emotionally without even realizing it in order to protect myself.  But what is it I'm protecting myself from?  Being happy?  Enjoying life?  Moving on? 

Have the past two years been rough?  Hell yes.  But how long can I live hanging on to that?  How long can I dwell on missing my parents and the ideal family life I wish I had?  I don't have the picture perfect household, and I never will - I need to embrace what I have (which is way more than plenty others do), and realize that there is love surrounding me, whether it shows itself the way I wish it would or not.  How long can I wish my Mother wasn't ill, that she was healthy and happy?  She isn't.  But she's my Mother, and I love her, and need to learn to accept her the way she is.  How long can I think back to Travis and wish things had turned out differently?  They didn't.  I have to stop idealizing him any more than I already have in the past.

I think the holidays always stir up an excess of emotions in people they weren't necessarily ready to deal with.  Perhaps this is why people dread the holidays.  I think of how for five years in a row, I spent Christmas with the person I thought I would spend the rest of my life with - how his family embraced me as their own, how everything about this time of year brings me back to that chiminae and the snowfall on Christmas Eve, to quiche's and wine, and the family that wasn't family whom I loved whole-heartedly.  I think back to cold, wintry mornings at 7am, shelving books and arranging holiday displays, mocking managers and flirting with friends, going out for beers, milkshakes and fries, stolen kisses, and snuggling up baking cookies for staff meetings.  And this year, I'm scared.  Because I don't have any of that.  I have nothing familiar, and no one in particular to share it with.  It's things like this that I'm scared make me numb - that make me block out when good actually does come upon me, because I'm so afraid I'll be let down again.  That is something I need to move past, and learn how to open myself again.

My friend Jaimie put it best - she told me to have some Hilary time, and just enjoy being in the city.  She's absolutely right.

The Lotus

I've always loved the Lotus flower.  Aside from being incredibly unique and breathtakingly beautiful, it's a flower that holds such a great deal of meaning and symbolism behind it, it's hard not to be fascinated by the thing.  It grows in dirty water, swamps, and bogs, and yet produces a product so magnificent, you would think it was rooted their purposefully.  Growing through mud, it always comes out unstained.

In Buddhism, the Lotus represents Nirvana - the time when the Lotus blooms out of the dirty water, is the time a person has reached their full potential, and are ready for rebirth and reincarnation. It is this reason that often times, Buddha is depicted as sitting on, or coming out of, a Lotus flower.  This shows how he was able to surpass the pain of multiple reincarnations through the "material" world, and reach Nirvana.  Purity of body, speech, and mind.

In Egyptian and Hindu mythology, the Lotus is compared to the sun - the flower closes and hides beneath the water at night, and then rises and reopens at dawn.  It is for this reason the flower is often associated with Atom, the sun God, who, along with the sun itself, represents reincarnation as well - rising, shining, setting into darkness, and repeating - just like life.  Divine beauty.

Asian traditions view the Lotus as sexual purity and non-attachment. 

The Lotus can be used to represent change, enlightenment, rebirth, and new beginnings, as well as strength, and heart.  The various colors also each represent something different, but that would take hours.

Last night, my Dad and Step-mom gave me a necklace with a Lotus pendant on it, and with extremely great reason.  This is my rebirth, and my new beginning.  I've always been slightly afraid of major changes, and it's time for me to not only accept it, but embrace it.  This necklace reminds me of that.  I need to bring light back into my heart, and take in all the things happening around me.  I'm really happy they reminded me of why I'm really here, and of why I always wanted to be here.  I think it's easy to forget - with bills, and working, and living, and trying to budget and pay rent, have enough money for food and transportation - I've just spent too much time worrying.  Everything happens for a reason, and things work out they way they should, just not always in the way you expected, and I need to understand that, and be more flexible.  The past year or so has gotten me so clenched up and closed off, and that's not who I am.  I'm free spirited, adventurous, serious but fun, responsible but impulsive - and I need to get that back, let go, and fly.

A Little Break

Fuckin' Hipsters Stealing My Sleep

I know.  I know know know that what I am about to say makes me sound like I'm an 80 year old woman, but WHY must the people across the hall from me have a crazy loud party at midnight, and then proceed to leave their door wide open AND climb up to the roof using the fire escape that is connected to my window when I'm sick and all I want to do is go to sleep?  What is it about Brooklyn, Hipsters, skinny jeans, and roof tops that makes such a ridiculous combination?


It is now that I introduce to you a website that, while I loathe it's existence (and the fact that they have a damn BOOK published, which is how I found it in the first place [thanks BN]), called "Look At This Fucking Hipster".  I'm sorry.  They need to buy more underpants and TURN THE PARTY DOWN.

Reasons I currently don't like "Hipsters":

A. They go on my roof
2. "You smell homeless, Brett.  Homeless".  This is because Hipsters don't shower.  That is, they don't shower enough.  Greasy hair = stylish and easier to mold into a cool mo hawk or a weirdo spiked comb over.  It also holds onto hats with more ease.
D. They try too hard to be different.  Just be yourself, smelly kids.

I would like to share with you an excerpt from the article entitled "The Hipster Manifesto" by Julie Grisolano:

The hipster manifesto is repleat with what's cool and what's not.  If you're a hipster, you know all the latest "cool" restaurants, bars, bands, music venues, books, clothes, and "hip" neighborhoods to live in.  Being a hipster means you buck convention by getting a job out of college that is unique, dress in non-conformist clothes, probably majored in some liberal arts degree at school, loathe the idea of ever living in the burbs, listen to NPR, go to bars that are off the beaten path, like quirky movies, and listen to bands that probably get very little major network radio time.  And the minute a movie, band, restaurant, bar, or neighborhood, starts becoming mainstream, you no longer consider it "cool."  Constantly looking for the new "it", hipsters religiously search for the latest trend--before it becomes too trendy.  If everyone else is doing it, then it's not novel.  And if it's not novel, it's not hip.  Considering that being "hip" is about bucking the trend, hipsters ironically perform this ritual with clockwork.  And in no area is this clockwork-mentality more apparent than in the worldview they hold. 

Put different clothes on them and place them in a different decade, our modern-day hipster nonetheless often resembles the 1960's hippy from our parent's generation.  Is this a stereotype?  Sure.  But take a poll next time you meet a hipster and about 8 times out of 10 they'll overwhelmingly agree with the more liberal-leaning cultural opinions they listened to on NPR or read in the latest "hip" cultural-commentary book.  They'll give you an earful too on all the woes that America has inflicted on a. the world, b. every minority group in the world, and c. the vast 3rd world nations that America colonized at one time.  Forget that America didn't actually colonize the 3rd world countries they mention, rather that it was our European friends whose good-opinion they crave so much, they'll still steadfastly maintain that somehow, it's America's fault.  Not too long ago I had a conversation with a young woman, armed with a law degree and other multiple advanced-degrees, who argued that America was the worst nation on the planet.  As an ardent feminist, I thought surely that she'd consider countries with aggressive policies against women---countries that don't allow women to vote, drive a car, or eat in public---far worse.  But, she adamantly disagreed saying that, "Nothing compares to America.  We're the worst country in the world."  Now, I'm not saying my country of residence is perfect, but I will bet my meager life savings that America's young feminist hipsters wouldn't relish the idea of trading places with the ladies of Saudi Arabia. 

I feel better.  Now to get some sleep.  OH WAIT.  

Single Thought Post Day

I type my name into my computer as if I were still at WPU. I do this everyday.

I love living in a city that allows me to obtain whatever food I want, whenever and wherever I want it.  To connect: this corn chowder bread bowl is shamazing.

I'm super excited about The Wedding Singer.

When was Thanksgiving suddenly a week away?

One of my favorite co-workers is leaving for an amazing job opportunity.

I still look for my parents approval, and want them to be proud of me.  I don't think they are.

I need to calm my sweet tooth down - I've been consuming far too much sugar.

Losing friends to bad decisions makes me sad.  Losing board games doesn't bother me at all.

I'm saving up to take a much anticipated and highly over due trip to D.C., and also, California.

I'm dreading the holidays this year.

I want a cat like it's my job.  More importantly, I miss Sophie.

Break ups are hard.

I'm really excited for the cake at our staff meeting today.

I hope I can stay awake for Harry Potter tonight - and that seeing it at midnight while having work the next day wasn't a bad decision.

I love seltzer.
I need to win the lottery.

I've Been Really Into These Lately...

"Everything is fine, and will remain so unless you overreact.  Think positive.  Although this is a bit of confusion in a certain key area of your life right now, things are on the upswing for you.  And opportunity you have waited a long time for and perhaps even forgotten about is about to present itself.  Don't be afraid to believe in the possibilities once again.  This time you won't be disapointed."

Thanks, daily horoscope.  I needed that!

Quick Notes

This summer would have been the 44th Freeman and Wells Family Reunion. One of these days, we're tie-dying shirts and going.

I also can't believe it's been almost 3 years since we drove down to LBI, spray painted shells neon green, yellow, and pink, mixed them with pearls, and filmed my running into the ocean in 50 degree weather, picked up 4 half liters of Wawa iced tea/lemonade, and just made it home in time for the Pioneer Players meeting in the new dorms.

Strange memories are haunting me today, and the Hudson River is oddly grey. How gloomy.

Scatter Brain

I'm exhausted and maybe a little cloudy from being sick and taking lots and lots of Sudafed. I've also eaten my weight in oranges, read half a book, Netti-potted the crap out of myself, and am in desperate need of doing laundry, but have been avoiding it like the plague.

A few weeks ago I got my sister two shirts at Target - one was an orange and black Halloween Hello Kitty t-shirt, and the other was a long sleeved black shirt with a turquoise t-shirt over top of it, covered in pink and purple flowers and sparkles. This weekend, she told me

she loves that shirt the best, because of the sparkles, and since she is so good at sharing, she has been scrapping the sparkles off the shirt and giving them to her friends. The adorable factor is out of control.

I've been doing a lot of exploring and wondering in the city the past week or so. I really like Brooklyn, even though I am in hipsterville. Things you may only see here:

1. Knitting factories turned apartments - very hip

2. Artists bicycling their beloved pieces around, particularly giant canvases

3. Graffiti being done on rotation

I sometimes wonder if it's possible to fall in love again. I used to think that you're given one great love in your life, and that's who

you are meant to be with. My opinion has since changed, but I still sometimes wonder: What if we as beings are given one shot, one person to love for always, and I had mine, and now I'm done? Am I capable of loving someone? Or have I shut down that part of myself forever for fear of getting hurt again? Perhaps, I'll know when I find them. Maybe I won't.

Then there are other times when I think: When I'm ready to be in love again, I will be, and the person I'm meant to be with will find me. I mean, that's what happened last time. So who knows.

I've started looking into adoption. Cats, not humans.

I wish I were Tina Fey. Or Wonder Woman.

Todays Horoscope...

Don't focus on a recent mistake or mishap. There is nothing to be gained from going over the scenario in your mind. You can't change the past, but worrying about it can change the future by bringing you down and leaving you in a stressed-out and beaten-down state. Let go of anything that has already happened, and concentrate on the road ahead. The horizon is quite bright, but you will only see it if you stop looking down and start looking up. Move forward one step at a time is that's all you can muster, but move forward.

Here's hoping!

Nonsensical Banter

I spent 2 hours walking around Williamsburg last night, and discovering the greatest fallafel I've ever eaten. Today, my feet hurt. Worth it.

NEW TOPIC. I am not ashamed to admit that I am, in fact, a Glee fan. I am, however, very sad at how terribly the show has been going this season, thus far. While last night certainly was a nod back to old school Glee (can I call it that after only one season? It seemed long), it's still lacking the initial excitement and enthusiasm the show had when it first started out. The reason I liked it so much was that, in a way, it lived out all my secret fantasies of what I wished high school was really like - bursting out into random musical numbers, immediately knowing music and perfect harmonies by just glancing at a piece of sheet music, actually HAVING a Glee Club, with a bangin' band available at a moments notice, and instantaneously knowing a full musical theatre number, choreography and all, and being amazing at it. This season, however, Glee is focusing more on gathering ratings and numbers by playing "tribute" (if you want to call it that) to supposed musical icons (again, if you want to call them that). While the Madonna episode last year was phenomenal, it still pushed forward with a plot line. This seasons Brittany episode was a pathetic excuse for an hour of television. Yes, the music videos were on point, but a plot line where kids go to the dentist to get high and have trips so they can be the lead of their own Brittany video? Give me a break. And since when does the guidance counselor call in her dentist boyfriend to give singers a lesson on brushing their teeth? STRETCH. I can't even touch the disaster that was the Rocky Horror episode. I knew it would be a bust, but I tried to give it a chance. I will never get that hour of my life back. "Sweet Transvestite" should be sung by just that - a transvestite. Mercedes wearing a corset? Not the same. True, her voice is killer, and her diva-dom remains in tact, but even Aretha couldn't pull that number off unless she had a penis and some serious lipstick. She is not, in fact, a tranny. And is it just me, or does watching two teachers start to get it on in a classroom while singing make anyone else uncomfortable? Yikes.

Last nights episode looks like it could be Glee's saving grace, tackling issues such a gay bullying while still maintaining killer musical numbers - the rival all boys a capella group rocked it. Yet the prospect of Gwenyth Paltrow coming on next week makes me uneasy. I really want to keep watching and enjoying this show. I do hope they go back to where it began.

I would like to share an excerpt on the subject from Meghan Brown, co-founder of the Giraffe Hunt Theatre in LA, from a recent article in the Atlantic:

"Okay. I'm mad again.

What. The. Heck. Is. Going. On.

Why would a relatively conservative high school in Ohio put on Rocky Horror? In what Universe is RHPS Emma's favorite movie? How is a whole musical going up in a week's time? Why is everyone OK with adults (especially non-faculty adults LIKE THE SCHOOL COUNSELOR'S DENTIST BOYFRIEND) being in a sexy musical with high schoolers? Why is Amber playing Frankenfurter instead of Kurt? How did Sue's anti-Rocky rant end up being the most logical part of the show?

More importantly: Why do we care? Why do we care if Emma and Will get together, when Will is sort of the world's worst person? Why do we care about a musical that we can tell from the get-go isn't going to end up happening?

Look, Glee isn't Rocky Horror, and Rocky Horror certainly isn't Britney Spears. A fakey homage consisting of a watered-down, Disney-fied version isn't going to cut it.

Amen, sister. Rant over.

Growing and Learning

It's 8am, and I am sitting at my desk drinking hot chocolate and eating pomegranate seeds after walking through hail (yes, hail in Brooklyn in November) and freezing awful wind tunnels just to ride the stuffed elevator up to the ninth floor, and listen to Peter, my consumer with MR, give away all the main plot points to "Due Date", the movie he saw this weekend. My office, with the exception of one or two of my co-workers, is completely empty for the day.

A lot has happened in the past few weeks, and I've learned a lot - mostly about myself. I guess picking up and moving as I did enables you to do a lot of self reflection, as it were. After the hellish roller coaster ride that was this summer, it makes sense. It's nice to be feeling a little more settled in. I still have a lot of things to sort through and boxes to unpack (and let's not talk about the storage unit back home I have yet to tackle), but it's coming along, slowly but surely. It's both challenging and fulfilling, sorting through all the crap you've obtained over the years. It's refreshing to move into a new place and unpack things the way you want - a fresh start, both physically and mentally. I like it.

I've learned that helping people can have bad repercussions, and you have to be really careful. Careful about who you trust, and who you lean on; who you open yourself up to, and who you let in.

I've learned it's important to know what you want, and stay strong in that. Expectations can never be too high, and lowering them for something or someone shouldn't be an option.

I've learned that I need to remain true to myself, and I need to be more secure in my decisions and my actions. I lost sight of that for a while, and I'm slowly gaining it back. What I don't think people understand is that when you're knocked down so much and so far, sometimes it's takes a little bit of time to get yourself back up. Some people bounce back quickly - I take a little more time. But I'm getting there.

I have also learned that confidentiality needs to be adhered to more often, and this statement applies mainly to me. I've always considered myself to be a good listener, and a good friend. In the past couple of months, I think I let that slip a bit. While I remained truthful and honest, I think I lost sight of how important it is to sometimes just keep your mouth shut, even if you have good intentions. I owe apologies and promises that I have seen my mistakes and since grown past them. I have some great people in my life. I don't plan on losing them anytime soon.

I think I've grown up a lot in the past few months. I'm not thrilled at the way I did it, but I'm coming out better on the other end. I'm getting somewhere, and that makes me optimistic for things to come. I've started looking into graduate programs, and job opportunities I can grab onto through my organization - I applied to teach ballet to 5 year olds with autism and DS, which would just be amazing. I'm excited.

Recoil

Dear Ani Difranco: Thank you for always having songs that perfectly narrate my life. I'm not sure how you knew what I would be thinking or feeling back when you wrote your songs, but I appreciate it now. Sincerly, me.

Come home and my guitar has nothing to say to me
I recoil from all my friends and then I'm in misery
Been so long since I've been held, really since I was his
Probably just need to be held, that's probably all it is

Course then I think of my Dad, who travels mostly now
Back to when he was free and holding out hope somehow
Who sits all day in a line of wheelchairs against a wall
Inventing ways to play out time like us all

To all the people out there tonight who are comforting themselves
If you should happen to see my light you can stop and ring my bell
I'm just sitting here in this sty strewn with half written songs
Taking one breath at a time, not much going on

Little flashing zero on my answering machine
Rats scratching at my brain, braing shuffling it's feet
Yes, I have my fathers heart, it may or may not keep on trying
Can't really tell you what it is keeps me this side of that dark line

But I'm not there to take care of him, and I'm not here to take care of me
I'm going outside to watch the house burn down across the street

"How can people be so heartless?

You know I'm hung up on you

Easy to give in, easy to say no"

Blasphemy

I forgot how yummy Swedish Fish were. Even though they are made in Canada, and not Sweden. False advertising.

So let's talk a bit.

Everything happens for a reason. What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger. Everything comes to you in due time and when you least expect it. Somehow, none of these sayings matter very much when you're looking for a little comfort.

It's hard to consistently deal with rejection - whether it's coming from a job I've applied for, a show I've auditioned for, or a relationship I wanted to take off - I've had a lot of it thrown at me. You would think that by now, it would have gotten easier. Honestly, it doesn't seem to. I don't mean to sound like I'm miserable, or hopeless - that's not the case. I am, however, starting to feel a little left out from those who keep stumbling upon such awesome fortune, and maybe even a little jealous. It's also hard when you're not one of those people that gets thing easily - I never have been. Everything I've gotten, I've worked really hard for. Not to say that I don't appreciate it, or the person it's helped shaped me to be, but every so often? It would be really nice if something could just work out. People keep telling me to just be patient, and soon enough, it will be my turn to get some good. Well, Universe? I'd say it's my turn for a little happiness.

I know I'll be fine - I'm a tough cookie when I need to be. And I know that I'll find what it is I'm looking for. I may even find someone. Someone who wants me as much as I want them, and someone who will put me first, as I would put them first. I just need to remind myself of these things, and believe in them.

A friend of mine recently told me "Hilary, I'm going to give you the best advice you'll hear all year: don't worry so much." So, as the rules of improv clearly state, accept and build. I'll be okay.

Cats, Mangoes, And A Little BTB

Erik and I used to pass notes to each other during out creative fiction writing classes - but instead of notes, we wrote Haiku's. Then, Erik would hang them on his wall, and during parties, we would get drunk and read them out loud to our friends. They were ridiculous, and most of them were about the girl in our class who would read her stories aloud using different character voices, and wear a jacket that was covered in knitted cats. Her stories were also mostly about cats. We would also write about the girl who wanted to be the first woman to write an Indian tale of Cinderella or...something - only it always included mangoes and a mango tree, and picking the mangoes off of the tree, and then we would zone out - so really, I'm not sure what she ever read. I miss this stuff. College was a great experience. I never thought I would say this, but I can't wait to go back to grad school and take more classes. Look out, Fall 2011.

::EDIT::

I've been feeling a little out of sorts about things, and maybe not able to capture it in my own word as of late, so I'm stealing the rockin' Ben Taylor Band's.

"And I mostly remember the way that you look
And the only thing left is I'm lonely for you
Everything reminds me of you
And I hope that I find my way home soon"

And One More Thing

Addendum to last post: putting yourself out there is hard.

Bar Hoppin' In The 'Burg

Two posts in one day? Madness!

Tonight was... surreal. Tonight was one of those nights I need to get down in writing, or I won't quite remember it. Tonight, I had feelings and memories I couldn't share with any of the people I was physically with, and felt I had no one to reach out to to share. Surreal is really the absolute best way to put it. I'll say it again. Surreal. I'm a little tipsy.

I went out with my roommate, her cousin, and her cousins friends. We started off at a bar in Union Square, but after happy hour, were unable to get a table for dinner, as everything was reserved for the Yankee game. Instead, we headed back to Williamsburg, where we traveled up and down Bedford looking for instant seating. Unsatisfied with our options, we headed deeper into the 'Burg, landing at Mulholands Sports Bar. Walking in, I felt an odd sense of familiarity. We squeezed through the packed bar, looking for a table, and as we approached the back, I noticed how strangely reminiscent I felt about the fireplace, black leather chairs, and backyard patio covered in brick, when it suddenly hit me - I'd been here before. It took me a few minutes of looking around and racking my brain to realize that the reason it seemed so familiar, was because it was. Damien had taken Travis and I there to watch a football game and drink some beers. I found myself viciously scanning the room, looking for anything else to jog my memory, or even for Damien himself, thinking to myself "I look great tonight, what a perfect time to run into my ex-boyfriends brother!". This was to no avail, and as everyone else decided there was no point in waiting, we made our way through the thick crowd.

We walked a block or two, and landed at The Lodge where, holy crap, I'd also been many a time before. Yes - this was Damien's favorite spot, and he lived right around the corner from it. Since the rest of my group had decided to eat here, I swallowed hard, fighting off memories of late summer nights filled with laughter and drunken love, and took a seat, strategically placed in the corner where I could view the entire restaurant. My dinner sat practically untouched and my beer could have grown cobwebs, as I spent the majority of the time scouting and people watching. My cohorts barely noticed, so I was safe from mockery and ridicule. I took my sweet potato fries to go, and left with no appetite. As we walked towards the subway, I looked at every male I passed, hoping to spot a familiar face in the drunken haze of a Friday night in Brooklyn. As I walked back to my apartment, a feeling of pure disappointment flooded over me. Was I still hung up on this? I haven't seen or heard from Travis in a year and a half, and we've been broken up for almost 2 years now - how could I not be past this?

It was then the words a dear friend of mine rung true - you never fully recover from your first heartbreak. Here I am, 25 years old, starting this new life, the world at my finger tips - and I still have these moments of weakness. Of missing him (or, at least, what he was). Perhaps I'm still recovering. Maybe I never will recover completely. Maybe these are the battle scars you carry until you find that right person - that person who takes away that hurt and that pain, and those vivid memories of you sitting on your bed, begging him to admit his infidelity while he swears on his life you're crazy for thinking such things.

People never realize how much I've been through - nor are they aware of my strength. Tonight, visiting and exploring these thoughts and memories, I realized some things. I'm doing okay - and though I feel a little bit lost right now, I'm headed in a direction, be it right or wrong, and I'm going somewhere. I'm strong, and I need to gain back more of the confidence I once had. And most importantly, I'm ready to put myself out there. I'm ready to face the world, head on, in a way I don't think I've done it before - with confidence in myself, and knowing exactly what it is I want. I know what I'm looking for, and I'm excited. I'm optimistic, and I'm ready to let myself let go have some fun. And it's about damn time.

Out Of Spoons

Today, my supervisor and I bonded over music, and discovered how similar our tastes are in bands and artists. We then drowned our sorrows in Seattle food and cake- sorrows being the hellish work week we had, from Audits to VIP tours, to insanity all over the place. It was the most fulfilling and enjoyable week to date. I like it busy. It also made me realize how comfortable in my job I've become. I'm almost at 6 months - where did the time go?

Brooklyn is great, though I'm not really sure it's hit me yet that I'm here, and on my own for real. It feels just like college, only no classes (which, by the way, I definitely miss - time for grad school!). I'm settling in, slowly but surely, and working really hard at making my place look and feel amazing. I love that the view from my bedroom window is of the Empire State Building. I'm learning the neighborhood and the subways. I enjoy hipster watching. Now I need to meet some new people.

I'm also definitely ready to go back to school - I'm craving knowledge. I'm starting to research different performing arts and education programs, as well as looking into getting my masters in Literature or Writing, to follow my B.A. We'll see. Both of my parents have something like 3 degrees each, so getting a double masters would be par for the course, and what is expected. And now I've crossed into ramble mode. I'm tired.

I'm feeling lighter, and heading towards optimistic. My smile is just a tad bit wider.

"And now I'm walking in a park
All of the birds, they dance below me
Maybe when things turn green again
It will be good to say you know me
Oh, it's taking so long
I could be wrong, I could be ready
But if I take my hearts advice
I should assume it's still unready
I am in repair"

Today, I Give A Damn.

While I may not put up a mass status on Facebook or Twitter, I fully support purple spirit day - fighting hate crimes, LGBT equality, and putting an end to bullying. I look at what has happened over the past few weeks, and I am completely embarrassed. How can we, a society that prides itself on accepting others, a generation that wants to bring about change and be different, encourage the things that were going on years ago to continue? I won't preach, but I will stand strong. People are people, regardless of their sexual orientation. Perhaps it was always being in dance and theatre, or maybe growing up with two homosexual uncles, that desensitized me to the fact that people who are gay are considered "different". I always just thought it was natural. Love is love. You can't explain it, or justify it, and no one should have to. I support every PERSON, regardless of whether they love men or women, as everyone should.

SIGN UP, and help support and spread the message:

http://www.wegiveadamn.org/

Whoa.

I NEED TO UNPACK

I'm so overwhelmed by all the crap I have, and all the boxes floating around my aparmtnet. There is also a severe lack of furniture (hopefully being remedied soon!), and a massive (I mean massive) overflow of clothing. Seriously, it's a problem. There is no way I wear all of it, and yet, somehow, I can't seem to get rid of it. I always think "Well, I might wear this one day...I might need this for something...", thus the insane amount of boxes simply filled with fabric. Problem number two: where do I put all of said clothing? I couldn't bring my armoire with me because it's gigantic and really wouldn't fit in my apartment (so now I have to throw it away...sad), so I only have a closet and a dresser. A dresser with 6 little drawers. Yikes. I also need another bookshelf (apparently two isn't enough), and a coffee table, and a sofa, and some sanity.

IKEA! I NEED YOU!

That is all.

Bad Assery

Successful Halloween shopping trip (well... after 4 stores, but still):

That's all the blogging I have the energy for tonight. I'm not quite used to all this NYC walking! J'ai fatigue.

Why Hello, Brooklyn

The Empire State Building is glowing orange tonight. I can tell you this simply because it's what I'm starring at as I sit on my bed with the window open, while the dull roar of street traffic and Spanish music blares in the background. I can feel the stress draining out of my pores and dissolving from the cloud that has been looming over my head since last January. I have nothing unpacked, and no energy or true desire to do so just yet (which could simply be due to pure exhaustion). I'm surrounded by half opened boxes and empty shelves, and a carpet that is badly in need of vacuuming. The sound of airplanes flying low and echoing over the river continues to remind me that I’m just that close. All the walls are white, and we don’t have a couch or coffee table. The furniture we do have is covered in the dust of hand-me-down-love and mismatching wood tones. I hung Christmas lights up and down the banister almost 3 times, and then made about 8 miniature origami stars from Matt’s jar. I feel overwhelmed and completely at peace, and while many things in my life are uncertainties and flurries of chaos, I feel content in knowing that I’m here - wherever “here” may be. So while, yes, I have a lot of things to figure out, and a lot of life to experience now, I’m starting to truly believe that things will fall where they are supposed to. Because I’m pretty sure that’s exactly what’s happening now.

"Wake up naked drinking coffee,

Making plans to change the world

While the world is changing us

It was good good love.

We used to laugh under the covers

Maybe not so often now

The way I used to laugh with you

Was loud and hard

So what to do

With the rest of the day's afternoon, hey

Well isn't it strange how we change

Everything we did

Did I do all that I should?"

I am really terrible at updating this thing. And I'm 90% sure no one reads it. I suppose it's been a very transitional time, the past few months. I most definitely just wrote that like Yoda. Although, that would be more like "a very transitional time the past few months have been", but who's checking?

I have partially moved into my new apartment in Brooklyn, and will complete said move next week, once Seussical is over. Big dark secret? I'm scared out of my mind.

I'm turning 25 in 5 days. That's a big scary adult number. I'm not sure if I'm ready for that.

Work is work. I like it, but I'm ready for the next step already. I think it's time to go back to school and delve into everything I always wanted to, but was too afraid to do it for fear of failing at it. I need to remind myself that I do, in fact, know what I want, and I'm going to go after it.

That's about it for now. I used to be much better at this.

"Just because I think gay dudes should be able to adopt babies, and everyone should drive hybrid cars, doesn't mean I don't love America *wink*"

-Liz Lemon is my idol.

And We're Back. Maybe.

I love my new job!

For those of you just tuning in, I have started a new chapter, one that I like to refer to as "Adulthood", subtitle "I have a real job and soon will be paying bills and rent like the rest of society, yay!". Strange that I'm pleased about a strict regulated schedule and additional responsibility? Heck no. I'm apartment searching with the lovely Christina (and maybe Rachel!), working an awesome 8:30 to 4:30 day, weekends off, 4 weeks of vacation, 12 holidays, 12 sick days, FREE full health benefits, AND, to top it all off, I'm doing something I actually care about, that has a future and potential. I like all the girls in my office (yes, an office of all women under the age of 37, watch out hormones), and I'm in a bangin' location city-wise. The commuting isn't my favorite, but I won't be doing it forever. Just, good things.

The two Asian girls I work with came in today wearing exactly the same outfit. Down to the nail polish. I wonder if they are taking over the world.

I don't think I ever realized how truly toxic my last work environment was until I was out of it. Not to say the people were bad, but the whole vibe and attitude of the management was plain nasty. My entire demeanor changed, and I didn't even realize it had gone south. Here, I can be myself, and be happy. I can take days off without worrying about being fired or written up like I'm in high school. I can take a real vacation. I have actual responsibilities in my job. I was hired and instantly trusted. I feel like I fit in here, like I know what I'm doing. I can make decisions and changes without worrying, and I'm responsible for myself. I freaking love it.

Best perk? In-office Keurig in every kitchen, and an endless flow of eating-out-of-the-jar-Nutella. Bliss.

Holy Rusted Confusion, Batman.

I ask you an important question - is it worth it to take a job that is not anywhere near what you want to do or in your area of expertise just because it is offered to you and has a decent sized paycheck? Or do you hold out for other opportunities that are in the works?

I went on an interview for a receptionist job at a fashion company in New York, and as glamourous as it may or may not sound, it's not really what I want. The pay would be fine, and the location is ideal, if not perfect - but I don't want to be a receptionist. And it's not a job where I can work my way up and end up writing or doing what I want. It's a secretarial position where I'll be doing nothing but answering phones and emails, and getting people coffee. Plus, the interview was awkward and uncomfortable and a total of ten minutes long after an hour and half commute into the city. Now, they want a second interview to hire, and I have to decide if it's worth it - even though I'm leaning towards the negative.

The thing is, with the way the economy is, I would be stupid to turn it down - but I don't think I would be happy, or even content. I feel like I would be smarter waiting for some of my contacts to come through - my meeting with one of the higher-ups at the Food Network, my contacts at YAI - places where I would be happy. And I suppose I could take a receptionist job and quit after a month, but I don't know if I could do that.

Thoughts, ideas, suggestions? They are much appreciated, seeing as how I am entirely at a loss for what to do!

K-Turn Baby

The Job Hunt Has Begun!

Well, not so much begun, as been revamped. I've taken on a m

ore aggressive approach, and I think it's working! I'm re

ady to move on. I would say I need a start fresh, but it's not that I need a fresh or new start persay - I need a start in general.

When you're a kid and you're going into middle school, you think you're life is just beginning; Then you finish middle school and think high school is where you finally find yourself; After donning your blue cap and gown and being rained out from your football field graduation, you pile into the gym and announce your next four years to be the start of it all; and when four years turn into five, and your massive education overhaul i

s complete, you know it's just the beginning. However, you didn't plan on graduating during the worlds worst economic downfall, and you certainly didn't see yourself working in a bookstore for two years wondering what it is your really want to do with your life.

It's almost impossible to look back and have a lack of regrets - quite the contrary, really, as I have a plethora - but that doesn't matter, nor is it important. What's important now is figuring things out. Finding my place and starting something great.

It's not the beginning of my life - my life started 24 years ag

o. This is the start of my professional life. Just going on the few interviews I've gone on has helped me narrow things down a bit. I know I don't want a boring desk job, but something that means something. I want a job where I can care about what I'm doing - which working in retail does not satisfy, even a little bit. I've gotten too caught up and dragged down, and I'm ready to pull myself up and out. I'm ready to do something real and important, something I can be passionate about and love doing, something that makes me laugh and cry and want to get up in the morning. I'm actually quite excited about it all.

And that's where I'm at. I know it's been a while, but I'm ta

king this blog on a K-turn, and gearing it towards positivity and future endeavors. Bring it on!

I leave you with some Garfield Minus Garfield: