The past 7 days have been a surreal blur.
I don't think that's really the right way to explain it. Maybe, more like a horrible, horrible nightmare I haven't been able to wake up from. The worst part about it is that when I do, eventually, find my way out of this fog, nothing will be the same.
People have always said heartbreak is the worst feeling in the world. I never truly understood what they were saying until now. It's cliche, I know, but it's completely and utterly the truth.
A huge chapter in my life has just ended, and I'm not really sure where to start picking up the pieces. Here I am, caught in one of my very first moments of non-hysterics in the past week, and I'm pretty proud of myself just to be able to sit and write, well...anything at all, for that matter. This is a good span of moments.
To be completely truthful, I keep feeling as though my life is ending, nothing will ever get better, I'd rather die than feel this way, etc.,etc.. And even as I write this, I feel my spirits circling the drain again. But if everyone else in the world can do it? If Ellen DeGeneres can do it? Then so can I. Right?
Tonight was the first time I actually laughed all week, thanks to my spunky little kitten who tried to eat my moms face. Immediately after, I started crying, almost as if I caught myself in the act.
Tonight was also my brothers birthday. It was really hard because he was supposed to be here. I'm really mad at him for not being here.
Everyone is telling me that I'm a great person, full of life and ambition and everything that's good - that it's his loss, not mine, that I will do great things and go far and be better off. Maybe I'm just not there yet, but, to me? If I'm so "great" and all of the above? Why doesn't he want me? Why am I not good enough? If I'm too "good" for him as everyone says, then why am I being dragged through the mud? What did I ever do to deserve this? All I ever wanted to do was love him and make him happy, and receive the same in return - why, then, am I left alone, wadding through the puddles he left me in?
I know, the incessant ramblings of a girl who's going through a breakup, typical blah blah blah. My logic is this: maybe another girl going through the same thing will stumble through here and feel just a little bit less alone with her thoughts. And if not, maybe it was just therapeutic for me to write it out for a few minutes.
But dammit. This fucking hurts.
1 comment:
It probably is therapeutic to write it out. I admire you. I never could (still haven't). I started countless emails to him that I never finished; found myself with nothing really to say. Felt I had said it all or that he wouldn't understand anyway.
If you believe that I am better than the situation I ended up in, then you must know that it happens all the time; good, sensitive, giving, kind, selfless girls end up in the mud. You know why? Because everyone is more selfish than we are; so we don't give up when other people do. It CAN be a bad thing, but here it was not; you gave someone the benefit of the doubt because you believed he deserved it. That is not something to be ashamed of or to regret.
Appreciate all the good you got from him; all the love you got from him while you got it. Remember the good times and be glad you have those memories. This love, as heinous as the ending was, will teach you a million valuable lessons you would not have learned had it not happened. That is the purpose it is serving now. That is what you will gain from it, and it is a lot.
Call whenever you want/need. And visit me soon; there are fun people up here.
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