It Happens Every Day

My original intention with starting this blog was as follows: to write. I simply wanted to make sure that even though I was no longer in school, I kept myself active. It's so easy to slip into not writing, especially after spending the past 5 years doing nothing but. I certainly took enough time off to realize that it's just part of who I am, and as long as I have something to write in, I'll do so.

My first creative writing professor said the following:

"Allow yourself 20 minutes a day to write. Find a corner, a tree, and desk, whatever, and sit down and write. I don't care if it's a novel or a grocery list, eventually, something is bound to come out of it. If you take nothing else but this advice away from this class, then I've done my job."

Easier said then done, yes, but it does work. I get myself in the habit, and then it becomes a drug - I can't stay away. Granted, this is not my first online venture - we've all had the "Teen Open Diary", the "Xanga", and my personal favorite, the "Live Journal" - but I'd say this is my most symbolic and productive. I write what I can, when I can, and if only one person reads it? Then at least one person is reading.

I've also been trying incredibly hard not to write about what's been going on in my life, because part of me feels like it's no ones business. Part of me knows the second my relationship status on Facebook changes from "in a relationship" to "single", a flood of messages and wall posts will follow. Granted, it's great that people care and want to offer sympathy - but what about those people who I haven't spoken to in months or years, who simply message me because they want "the dirt"? As much as I love to hate/hate to love the social networking tool that has become our online lives, I can't stand how impersonal it can all become.

Part of me is afraid to change anything because it makes the situation more real, and seemingly permanent. I don't want to explain the story to every living being, because it's still far to painful and fresh. I'm not looking for sympathy, but friendship.

That being said, it's amazing how my close friends have truly rallied behind me. They have been so wonderfully supportive, listening to me cry, answering my repetitive and ridiculous inquiries, calling me everyday, texting with me nonstop, or spending their lunch break standing with me instead of sitting and eating lunch. I've been keeping myself as busy as I can, because every dull moment leads to spinning thoughts and images that drive me insane. Picturing him with her, having fun, living his life, while I'm stuck picking up the remains alone. Looking back, and knowing that the relationship may have been over in his mind for almost a year, and I had no idea, just wishing things had been handled differently, that he had just talked to me. I have these moments of complete desperation, feeling as though nothing will ever be right again, I'll never find happiness, not alone or with someone else, and just feeling so completely alone and rejected. I feel as though there is literally a hole in my chest, and if a heart could actually break, mine has done so.

I have actually gone two days without crying. Of course I say that now, who knows how tomorrow will be. It's hard just to get out of bed in the morning. I'm always sad. I am not a sad person, and all I feel now is sadness. Perhaps it's too soon, but considering what he did, I should be unbelievably furious and angry - yet all I can do is miss him and want him back. The way he was - not this new person who lies and cheats.

I spent a year knitting him a scarf. It turned out beautiful, and I gave it to him for Christmas. I put my heart and soul into that scarf, and I feel as though every stitch was filled with my love for him. I don't know if he will ever wear it now. I just hope every time he looks at it, he sees me, and knows what he did, and how he ruined something wonderful - and someone.

I told a friend how I felt it was so unfair that he could cheat on me and suffer no consequences, no fallout for the actions - he cheats, we break up, and I'm miserable. Her response was simple: The universe evens everything out, eventually.

I guess we'll just see. Eleven days and counting. This blows.