Let It Be

I'm beginning to realize that there are some things in life you can never have resolution to. This is ridiculously hard for me, as I am a big supporter of whole conflict resolution movement. I've always taken situations into my own hands, and handled them in the best possible way I could think of - including going to those I see as being trustworthy and strong for advice. And it's because of this, that I constantly see my biggest flaw exploited, repeatedly, and without my even being aware of it until after the fact: I'm simply too trusting, too quickly. I also don't listen to myself enough, or go with my initial gut feeling. Goal for self - stick with intuition.

I guess I just feel as though I can never find a steady balance - between trusting too much, and trusting too little. A person can't go around spilling their secrets to everyone they meet, because people are blabber mouths and gossip queens, and need to keep themselves occupied with others' lives. I believe they call this "High School". But I could be wrong. On the other hand, if you never open up, you can never let anyone in, and never let anyone get close to you, and therefore never be close to anyone yourself. So how do you know? How do you sift through the muck to get to the good stuff, the high-end quality furniture you should surround yourself with?

Perhaps this is just something you struggle with when you've felt or been betrayed by someone you feel closest to, and this is the final aftermath - the last pieces of the puzzle you're left with to sort through. Except this puzzle is 5,000 pieces, and it's just the different blues of the ocean.

On a more uplifting note, Godspell has been a fantastic experience, and as cheesy and lame as it may sound, I feel like I've come out a slightly different, and slightly better person in the end. Everyone told me that doing this show is less of an experience, and more of a journey - and up until a week or so ago, it really didn't click with me. This show, and this cast, helped me through one of the harder things I've had to deal with in my life, and I don't know if I would have been able to turn it into a positive, had I not been surrounded with the people I have spent the past few weeks with. I know I've changed, and I know for the better. I've rediscovered some of who I may have lost over the past few years, and I feel like I'm starting to come into my own, as an adult. The past two and a half months have truly been a life changing experience in a thousand and one ways, and I don't know any other way to describe it or explain it. I look back at myself just a year ago, and realize how much of myself I was holding back. How much I watched my step, and my tongue, and hid some of the quirky. I am allowed to be myself. I can be myself, and I can be happy and okay with that. Bonding with this cast has been the perfect example - I was completely myself and honest with them, and they embraced me as such, no questions asked. That is how it should be. And for the first time in months? I'm no longer questioning that. Or myself.


And when the night is cloudy,
There is still a light, that shines on me,
Shine until tomorrow,
Let it be.