I've been really fearful of being left alone with my thoughts, scared that they might have more control over me than I was willing to accept, or worse, that I would be overcome with things like heartache, sadness, fear, or loneliness. All the debilitating feelings that make you want to curl up into your bed forever and never emerge (unless, of course, chocolate is involved). It's not that these are things that have been present in my life consistently or in an overbearing fashion, but I have been so scared that they could be, that they might make an appearance - and then what? How would I handle that? I've come so far, I am reaching out in sheer desperation just to not go backwards. Has a paranoia of feelings and emotions developed?
Then, I just did it. I had been under the weather all week with a cold, so I spent a few hours alone on Saturday, and most of Sunday just resting. I watched movies, I cleaned a little, played with Oliver, snacked, and painted my nails. I took care of myself, physically and mentally, for an entire weekend - something I haven't done in far too long. And I came out of it rested, a little overstuffed, and proud of myself. Proud of myself for doing something that is, yes, oddly simple, but really tough.
Sometimes, it's the little battles that make the monumental wins in my book. This weekend was a giant step in gaining back my independence and confidence in myself and my capabilities.
I also realize that it's okay to feel alone sometimes, but it is not the best idea to wallow in it. Let it in momentarily, take a breath, and let it right back out. You are not alone. I leave you with that, and the wise words of Stephen Sondheim:
"Hard to see the light now
Just don't let it go
Things will come out right now
We can make it so
Someone is on your side
No one is alone
Believe me, no one is alone"
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