Kicking Walls and Making Noise

Does kicking a wall in desperate frustration right out on the street not caring what anyone thinks of you make you a New Yorker?  Can I have that crown now please?

Scene of the crime.  None of that damage was from me.

 have simply been having a kicking-my-foot-into-walls kind of week.  It's been stressful, frustrating, irritating, clingy, and impeccably annoying.  This week is the boyfriend I desperately need and want to break up with.  A reltionship gone sour, far past it's expiration date - not unlinke that yogurt in my fridge that hasn't been opened, and I am convinced it might still be okay to eat.  It probably is not.

The past few months have been littered with ups and downs, highs and lows, ins and outs, and tons of new experiences.  It's slightly refreshing to feel something different.  I've been productive and thoughtful.  I've taken myself out for dinner with the company of nothing but a good book and some killer noodles.  I've done a butt-ton of self reflecting, and a handful of self-inspiration.  I bought new running sneakers because I kicked ass on my first two 5K runs, and I damn well deserved a decent pair of running kicks.  I'm trying really hard to stay on top of things and allow my head to remaind above water, and not saying things to myself like "it's okay, you can cry when you get home", but rather "you're awesome, and you got this".


Sometimes it's really difficult to handle the ups and downs - especially when I'm down, and pulling myself out can be difficult.  I tend to get stuck in negative thought cycles, and while I'm learning to redirect and refocus, some days are harder than others. 

I am an incredibly impatient person when it comes to myself, and I think I'm getting anxious about things not happening faster.  I need to embrace the time I have, because it's not very often you get to completely concentrate on yourself.  I have the opportunity to regroup here - to redefine, and re-examine what makes me tick.  What I love, what I hate, what I want, what I need, my dreams, my realities, my goals - I get to work on me.  How often does a person truly get that chance?  I get to work on me.  I get to work on me.

After all, if we can't laugh at ourselves for throwing a temper tantrum over our own inability to express an emotion?  well shucks.  I'm out.

No One Is Alone

This past weekend was quite nice.  It was filled with cleaning, eating, movie watching, laughing, talking, friending, sleeping, resting, and eating some more.  I also spent a great deal of time with myself - something that, for the past few weeks, I've been truly terrified of doing.

I've been really fearful of being left alone with my thoughts, scared that they might have more control over me than I was willing to accept, or worse, that I would be overcome with things like heartache, sadness, fear, or loneliness.  All the debilitating feelings that make you want to curl up into your bed forever and never emerge (unless, of course, chocolate is involved).  It's not that these are things that have been present in my life consistently or in an overbearing fashion, but I have been so scared that they could be, that they might make an appearance - and then what?  How would I handle that?  I've come so far, I am reaching out in sheer desperation just to not go backwards.  Has a paranoia of feelings and emotions developed?

Then, I just did it.  I had been under the weather all week with a cold, so I spent a few hours alone on Saturday, and most of Sunday just resting.  I watched movies, I cleaned a little, played with Oliver, snacked, and painted my nails.  I took care of myself, physically and mentally, for an entire weekend - something I haven't done in far too long.  And I came out of it rested, a little overstuffed, and proud of myself.  Proud of myself for doing something that is, yes, oddly simple, but really tough.

Sometimes, it's the little battles that make the monumental wins in my book.  This weekend was a giant step in gaining back my independence and confidence in myself and my capabilities.

I also realize that it's okay to feel alone sometimes, but it is not the best idea to wallow in it.  Let it in momentarily, take a breath, and let it right back out.  You are not alone.  I leave you with that, and the wise words of Stephen Sondheim:

"Hard to see the light now
Just don't let it go
Things will come out right now
We can make it so
Someone is on your side
No one is alone
Believe me, no one is alone"