A Summer In Sometimes

After being scolded by a friend this past weekend for not updating my blog enough, I realized I have not been updating my blog enough.  If absence makes the heart grow fonder, there must be a mass of unread love letters piling up somewhere with my name on them.

This summer has flown by in a blur of heat waves and moving boxes, road trips and burning candles, friendships blossoming and decomposing, song lyrics and forgotten poems, and on the other side?  Well, quite frankly, I have no idea.

Therefore, I submit for the approval of the Midnight Society: my summer, in what I make best - a list.

Sometimes, you can be really, really brave.

Sometimes, you just aren't.

Sometimes, life hands you lemons, and you're allergic to citrus.  Or dairy.  Whatever.

Sometimes, an eight year old has the best advice.  And the best headbands.

Sometimes, you can still surprise yourself.

Sometimes, you spend an hour lying on the floor of the Whale Room in the Museum of Natural History, staring up at the moving ocean ceiling and swear you have found the meaning of life.

Sometimes, you need to ask for help.

Sometimes, you stumble upon people who will love you unconditionally.

Sometimes, you need to get lost in a park, a museum, on a bridge.

Sometimes, you need a little magic.

Other times, you just need a little Bowie.

Sometimes, you lose your job.

Sometimes, people will surprise you.

Other times, they will do exactly as you thought, for better or for worse.

Sometimes, you fall in love with a Ukulele player.

Sometimes, your cat knocks over a leftover-unopened bottle of Tab and it explodes all over your books and walls.

Sometimes, there are just not enough paper towels.

Sometimes, you cry your eyes out so hard that you think your brain is going to liquidate through your sockets.

Sometimes, you find closure.

Other times, you have to make peace with yourself.

Sometimes, you send a letter to your first love expressing forgiveness.  And you do not hear back.

Sometimes, you furniture breaks in a Budget rental truck.

Sometimes, you tackle the ferris wheel.

Sometimes, you get the privilege to dance.

Sometimes, you need to reconnect, rediscover, and redirect.

Sometimes, you learn how to open your heart again.

Always, you need to take a leap of faith, trust in your gut, and in yourself.

The Art Of Algorithms

Alright, let's talk about this dating thing.

First and foremost, I completely and totally dislike the act of dating.  It's complicated, it's stressful, it's full of games and puzzles and misinterpreted texts and over-thought headaches, and I want it to die in a firey car crash.  Moving on.

I somehow see it necessary to date in order to try out a variety of different people and experiences.  How do you know what you want or what you like if you don't try a little bit of everything?  You don't just eat a piece of Swiss cheese without ever eating a piece of any other kind of cheese and think "Swiss cheese is my favorite cheese in the world" - because you couldn't possibly know that without trying all the other cheeses that are out there.  What a silly assumption, guy.  Also, while Swiss is delicious, it is not the best.  Keep that in mind next time you're at the cheese counter.

This all seems an odd conundrum to me, because I love meeting new people.  I love exploring new things, and finding new connections with people I maybe have everything in common with, and maybe have nothing in common with.  Perfect example: my roommate.  She and I could not be more different, and yet, I find her completely inspiring and intriguing (another topic all together, but you get the point).  She's incredible, and I may never have gotten to know her had I restricted myself to my little comfort bubble.  I pride myself on being able to be thrown into a situation or setting where I know no one, and walk out with at least one new acquaintance.  I grew up as a shy kid, but have since learned (and I think maybe even mastered) the art of socializing.  I have a big personality which can sometimes come off as intimidating, but I know who I am and am damn proud of it.  This confidence is supposed to come in handy, but seems to be slightly aggressive to those I end up on dates with.  What the hell, OK Cupid?  Get your computer statistical algorithms correct already and stop showing me the same 40 people.  I don't listen to top 40 radio stations, I don't want top 40 dating bros.

See, I thought that by moving to New York City (side bar: meeting a dude was in no way a motivational spark in that decision, as I moved here while dating someone), I would meet a million new, different, and exciting people.  I thought friends would just ooze out of the woodwork and I wouldn't know what to do with myself.  This?  Is a big, giant lie.  New York City is, by far, one of the toughest places to live - for a variety of reasons - one main factor being how insanely hard it is to meet people here, and I have a few theories as to why.  One, people move to the city to live this incredible life they dreamed of, and to focus on one thing: themselves.  People here can be really selfish into just themselves.  Now don't get me wrong, I get it - it's important to learn about yourself and "do you", as they say.  But at some point?  Let go of you, and move on to something else.  Like signing up for a social co-ed sport (best thing I've ever done, ps), go on a scavenger hunt, or try finding the best pizza joint in your hood.  Two, everyone here has some sort of guard up.  People are so worried about letting other people in that they tend to put up brick walls, only broken down by dynamite - and excuse me for not carrying around a match.  Three, there are over 8 million people in this city, and I always tend to run into the handful I already know.  The world is just not as big as it seems.  At this point, I'm rambling.

My point here?  I'm not sure anyone would classify "dating" as an extra curricular activity, or even an activity they enjoy spending time doing.  It's work.  It's like searching for a job while working a job.  It's time consuming, it's nauseating, it's filled with ups and downs, ins and outs, awkward goodbye hugs with the occasional fist bump (and in some instances, the "Hey, thanks for the great conversation...".  Really?), and at the end of a date (or a day filled with job searching)?  You sometimes want to kill yourself.  But you don't.  You go home, you go online, and you sift through the piles of online dating profiles that take up so much space on the internet, it would blow your mind grapes.  And you hope that one magical little profile will pop itself out of the millions (parallel: resumes) and be exactly what you want: tall, dark, handsome, and maybe even has a quality credit score and a decent one-bedroom somewhere in Manhattan.  Location is key.  Side bit of sound advice?  Date outside your zip code.

Do I wish we still lived in the world of hand written love letters, courtship, and long-distance-never-met-you-but-I-can't-live-my-life-without-you romances?  Who wouldn't.  Do I have the hopes for an organic meeting?  Absolutely.  Things tend to find you when you least expect them, and I fully intend on believing in that and the universe not screwing me over too badly.  So maybe it will magically happen.  And maybe it won't.  And maybe I'll grow a third arm.  It's a numbers game.  It's love in the time of algorithms, and it's a damn battlefield.  Somehow?  I'm still incredibly optimistic.  I'm still hoping for that magical little spark I really haven't felt since I was 19.  So as pessimistic and sardonic this post may seem?  I am oddly hopeful and not yet entirely jaded.  Somewhat jaded, but not completely.  

Coming up next: adventures in dating, the files of Hilary.  Stay tuned, loyal readers.  Every day is a new adventure here!

Thankful Turkey

What are you thankful for?

 Having an outlet, such as this, to be able to share and express my thoughts, my adventures, my stories, my opinions and choices, and encourage others to do the same.

Having a few days off to rest, recuperate, and recharge my batteries.

Having a plethora of friends who embrace and accept me for who I am - not with judgement or expectation, but with love and joy and open arms always.  They challenge me, teach me, and help shape who I am becoming.  I am very lucky.

Having the opportunity to take time for myself.

Frothy hot chocolates.

24-hour Bagelsmith - for those 4am sandwiches and freshly cooked bagels, literally, whenever I want them.

Remembering what a wise man named Fred once said (and continued to say) throughout college, and the ability to now truly understand it years later, and appreciate how far and wise beyond his years he really was.  "The universe will provide".  Thanks, Fred.

Rediscovering my passion and my heart.

Bobby pins and Mascara.

Grilled cheeses, plates full of pickles, and late night diner trips with incredible people.

This incredible city, and my ability to fall back in love with the fickle mistress, time after time after time.

My absolutely fabulous roommates - without whom, I would ever have discovered the laundry room mystery note, Adventures in Babysitting, or how to catch fruit flies in a mug.

Hummus veggie sandwishes and watermelon mozzarella salads.

My crazy little kitty, Oliver.  He may be nuts, but he has provided me with more love and comfort than I can ever truly express.

Fire pits, dance classes, karaoke, movies, and road trips with friends.

Hershey's Hugs.  Like Kisses, only more delicious.

The occasional manicure and mental health day.

The ocean.  Primarily for sushi and seahorses, but also for swimming.  Not so much for sharks.

I may have a love/hate relationship with social media, but if it weren't for Facebook, I would never have been able to reconnect with some of the most incredible people I have known and loved.

My family.  Every single member of it.

Most of all, I am thankful for being here, now.  I am thankful for having the opportunity to grow, learn, explore, discover, dance, sing, bop along to music as I walk down the street, read, write, share, live, and love.

Happy (slightly belated) Thanksgiving readers!

On Staying Inspired

"I've learned that no matter what happens, or how bad it seems today, life does go on, and it will be better tomorrow. I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way he/she handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights. I've learned that regardless of your relationship with your parents, you'll miss them when they're gone from your life. I've learned that making a "living" is not the same thing as making a "life." I've learned that life sometimes gives you a second chance. I've learned that you shouldn't go through life with a catcher's mitt on both hands; you need to be able to throw something back. I've learned that whenever I decide something with an open heart, I usually make the right decision. I've learned that even when I have pains, I don't have to be one. I've learned that every day you should reach out and touch someone. People love a warm hug, or just a friendly pat on the back. I've learned that I still have a lot to learn. I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel.”
- Maya Angelou