The next few weeks, including this one, are really big, crazy, insane, exciting, and important ones. I know it shouldn't matter whether or not he knows or cares, but it's all I can think about - these are weeks he was supposed to be with me, that I was going to be able to share with him - and I doubt if he even remembers.

I don't mean to generalize, but how is it that men's brains are so unlike women's? How do two humans from the same species work so differently? Not to say that women don't cheat, because they do - but in this circumstance, how can two people be such polar opposites, when just weeks ago they seemed so similar?

What I still can't seem to wrap my mind around is this: how did I not know? I mean, I know how I didn't know - because I didn't, and he's an hour away living a separate life - but how was he able to hide it so well, and be okay with that? How was he able to sleep at night, knowing all along that he had cheated on me, twice? I just have so many questions - questions in which I now know I will never get answers to - and so much I want to say and know and have resolved. But I can't. I can't ask him, because aside from getting nowhere except the land of frustration, I just get upset, and obviously no one else can speak for him, or tell me the exact reason as to why his actions were as such.

Things I do know? He is a coward, and an insanely insecure one at that. He showed no respect for me, or for what our relationship was. He is a liar and a cheater (and everyone knows that never changes - as I should have seen from the start). He has no conscience, because if he did, he wouldn't have done it, let alone be able to sleep at night for a year. Worst of all, he is someone entirely different than I thought, and he is not a good person. Good people don't treat others like this.

I hate that I still think about him so much. I hate that I still wonder what he is doing, and that every Saturday rolls around, and I become such a mess, because I know he's going out and having the time of his life, not even thinking about me or how he left me. I hate what he left me with, and the fact that I feel ruined for the next person. I hate that this will always somehow be with me, and my ability to trust others is effected for what seems like forever. I hate that I lost respect for the first person I truly loved. I hate that this is how it ended. I hate that I cry at night over him, because he doesn't deserve my tears. And I hate him. I hate him for doing this to me, and treating me this way, and for the overall person I now see he is.

The worst thing? I hate that I still love him, and that I still can't really hate him for what he did. And part of me still thinks I'm going to wake up, and things are going to be right again - that maybe this is just all some Oz-like dream that feels so incredibly real, but in reality I was just knocked around in a tornado a little bit.

I just want to feel like myself again. I just want out of this foggy cloud, and I just want to be happy. I just want to find some peace. It seems as though that's a lot to ask for.