Here's The Thing

I find the topic I am about to divulge into comes up a lot – specifically, with me, and in my writing here – but here I am again, ready to tackle it.

The only way to maintain your sense of self is to stay true to yourself, yes? Well, what if you do, and it doesn’t make a difference? I could keep my mouth shut, but that would be going against my nature to talk incessantly (not necessarily something I’m proud of, but I’ve learned to embrace). I spent the first 17 years of my life not talking. Anyone who knew me from age 5 on knew me as that quiet girl in the corner with big eyes who would always speak up when spoken to, but would say very little in between. My best friends had my undivided attention over my teachers during school hours, and while notes and whispers were shared nonstop, I always kept to myself and my friends. I had dance classes and sports to express myself and vent, so I didn’t need much else. I always had my 3 or 4 close friends, and while most people liked me, I was never popular – I’ll never know if it was by my choice and opting for silence, or if my hair just wasn’t shiny enough. That, and while my family was never in financial trouble, we lived in a ridiculously wealthy town I never quite fit in to. The friendships I maintained sometimes suffered, as I was occasionally referred to by my peers as being “bossy” when in groups of 2 or 3. I’m more than positive this is accurate, as even now, I like to be in control of situations.

As I got older, and started reaching the awkward middle school phase of my life, I started to get picked on – and I got picked on a lot. So much so that even now, it’s sometimes tough for me to talk about. This, no doubt, aided in my overall silence, and continued until I really started participating in theatre. I enjoyed high school, but it wasn’t until college that I really came out of my shell. Since then, I am often found, to put it bluntly, talking. Maybe the years of not speaking my mind have caught up with me, or maybe I just have a lot to say – either way, I talk a lot. It’s not that I talk just because I like the sound of my own voice - but I like to think that I have things of interest to say, and I am no longer afraid of expressing myself, or voicing my opinion. If people don’t like it or if things I say have an impact on whether or not a person likes me, then so be it. At least I’m being honest and true to myself.

That being said, I feel the need to reiterate a point I have made before: I am not a liar. I never have been, and I never will be. There was a time in my life where I was lost and searching desperately to fit in somewhere – anywhere – and in that time, I would absolutely tell people what I thought they wanted to hear. I take full responsibility for that time, and, again, I am not proud of it – but I am human, and we all make mistakes. However, outside of that brief stint of insecurity and desperation, I consider myself to be a straightforward and sincere person. Not everyone seems to agree. While I don’t think I have ever been doubted on my sincerity, I have often been accused of being a liar, or of simply making things up. This sometimes comes from my keeping certain things to myself. For example, I don’t often share information from my personal life or my romantic life with everyone I come into contact with. I just don’t always feel the need. Plus it’s hard to trust when you’ve been burned so many times before. I’ve opened up to people in the past, and been royally screwed. Or I’ve shared details of my personal life and then had then shared amongst other friends (not cool). It sometimes leads me to believe that there is no one I can truly trust. Then there are times when I’ve been overly honest (is there such a thing?), and entirely candid about a situation or event, and that has also backfired. All of this leads me to believe that it’s hard to find a happy medium between sharing too much, and not giving enough.

Am I over thinking this all? Most likely. Yet I believe I have reason to do so. While I know my friends like me, I also know there have been conversations (most likely far in the past, but conversations nonetheless) about me and my reliability – which is not a good feeling to have, nor is it a feeling one should have. Even this past weekend, when referred to as “a really great liar” by someone with whom I have been nothing but completely truthful with, I felt a great deal of hurt. While part of me wants to address the issue, another part of me wonders if it’s worth the energy. People will think what they want to think sometimes, regardless of truth. As the awful saying goes, you can’t get blood from a stone. And I can’t get people to believe in me if they don’t want to.

Perhaps this is a battle I will never win. Maybe everyone goes through this, or similar insecurities (or is it just me?) regarding how they are perceived. However, I know who I am. I know when I’m honest and when I’m not, and I know when to keep my mouth shut – if doing so makes me a bad person, than so be it. I know I’m sincere and honest, and direct when need be, and I will not be forgiving for that. I have been lied to, cheated on, and mislead more times than I can count – I would never do that to someone else.

And that’s all I got. Rant over.