Kicking Walls and Making Noise

Does kicking a wall in desperate frustration right out on the street not caring what anyone thinks of you make you a New Yorker?  Can I have that crown now please?

Scene of the crime.  None of that damage was from me.

 have simply been having a kicking-my-foot-into-walls kind of week.  It's been stressful, frustrating, irritating, clingy, and impeccably annoying.  This week is the boyfriend I desperately need and want to break up with.  A reltionship gone sour, far past it's expiration date - not unlinke that yogurt in my fridge that hasn't been opened, and I am convinced it might still be okay to eat.  It probably is not.

The past few months have been littered with ups and downs, highs and lows, ins and outs, and tons of new experiences.  It's slightly refreshing to feel something different.  I've been productive and thoughtful.  I've taken myself out for dinner with the company of nothing but a good book and some killer noodles.  I've done a butt-ton of self reflecting, and a handful of self-inspiration.  I bought new running sneakers because I kicked ass on my first two 5K runs, and I damn well deserved a decent pair of running kicks.  I'm trying really hard to stay on top of things and allow my head to remaind above water, and not saying things to myself like "it's okay, you can cry when you get home", but rather "you're awesome, and you got this".


Sometimes it's really difficult to handle the ups and downs - especially when I'm down, and pulling myself out can be difficult.  I tend to get stuck in negative thought cycles, and while I'm learning to redirect and refocus, some days are harder than others. 

I am an incredibly impatient person when it comes to myself, and I think I'm getting anxious about things not happening faster.  I need to embrace the time I have, because it's not very often you get to completely concentrate on yourself.  I have the opportunity to regroup here - to redefine, and re-examine what makes me tick.  What I love, what I hate, what I want, what I need, my dreams, my realities, my goals - I get to work on me.  How often does a person truly get that chance?  I get to work on me.  I get to work on me.

After all, if we can't laugh at ourselves for throwing a temper tantrum over our own inability to express an emotion?  well shucks.  I'm out.

Sharing Is Caring

I have been meaning to share this blog for quite some time.  This girl is 24, has recently had a book published based on her blog, and is in the development stages of creating a sitcom for it.  Inspirational much?  I love promoting creativity amongst the blogosphere, so please go over to fuck I'm in my twenties and read on.  Note some of my favorite posts:

On My 27th

The Best Roommate Gift Ever

Last week, I turned 27.  It is an age that, up until about 6 weeks ago, I was terrified of.  Then I started thinking about what a crappy age 26 was, and how 27, though perhaps scary in size, could be pretty fantastic.  I'm living and thriving in one of the most incredible cities in the world, I'm doing things that I love, I have a list of goals miles long, I have friends and family that care about me, and I'm happy.  Suddenly, I am excited for all it has to offer.

It just wouldn't be a birthday without looking back, and seeing all the knowledge I've gained to take forth with me for this next year of adventures.  I've learned that:

Cats should never eat marshmallows.  If you have them in your house, they will more than likely find them, and eat them.  The ending result of that is not pretty.

People will come in and out of your life.  There isn't necessarily always going to be a reason for it at the time, but the purpose will come to you eventually.

Playing in the summer rain should be done as often as humanly possible.

Bouncing along to the music in your headphones while walking down the street, while making you look funny, makes every step so much more enjoyable. 

The subway is a terrible place to fall asleep.

I am worthy of more than I give myself credit for, in every aspect.

The people who matter stay in your life, no matter what.

I have a good poker face when I actually play poker.

I love Sushi.  Especially Masago.

Timing is everything.

Never give up on the things that you love.

Broken hearts absolutely heal.

Casinos at 10am are incredibly depressing.

Volleyball is my spirit animal.

I am allergic to bug bites.

Losing yourself for the benefit of another is absolutely never worth it.

Neither is waiting for something or someone to come around.

Moving on feels incredible.

Do not give change to a homeless person asking for a dollar.  They will yell at you, and maybe start to run after you.  Also, never put it in a coffee cup.  There might be coffee in there.

Running is awesome.

So are funny YouTube videos.  And tap dancing.

Taking pictures is also awesome.

Never regret the mistakes you've made.  They are what make you who you are and the person you are destined to be.

45 year old men think 26 year olds are good for dating.

Adopting a 4 week old kitten is always a good idea.

Adopting a 4 week old kitten is insane, but I love him anyway.

Strong Bad never gets old.  Ever.

Taking care of yourself can be one of the greatest things you will ever do.

Renting an apartment is stressful.

You are always worthy and deserving of love.

I'm sure there will be more and more to add, but for now, this pretty much captures the highlights.  I'm excited.

Perks of the Wallflower Variety

Every so often, something comes along that changes a piece of you, or a piece of your life.  While I do not necessarily believe that a simple book can do just that, I do believe that something (be it a book, poem, painting, what have you) can have a profound impact on a person, during a specific point in your life.

I first read The Perks of Being A Wallflower during my senior year of high school - a year chock full of transitions, growing up, learning, and discovery.  The perfect year to read a book such as this (the only better year being your freshman year - though the subject matter may be a bit on the heavy side for a 14 year old).  Yesterday, I saw the movie adaptation, where the author of the book, Stephen Chbosky, not only wrote the screenplay, but also directed the film - something I doubt happens very much - and he did an absolutely superb job.  And the one thing it really brought back, for me?  Was this one sentiment:

We accept the love we think we deserve.

It seems crazy to me - a book that I found so inspirational as a 17 year old girl, is having an entirely new effect on me as a soon-to-be 27 year old woman.  I don't think I ever appreciated or understood the weight and the intensity that a simple statement about love would ever have on me, or how much it would apply to me at any point in my life.  I think it comes down to the fact that I have always sold myself short, and put far too much pressure on myself - thus effecting the way I view myself, and the people I choose to surround myself with and have in my life.  My step mom once said to me, "You are so mean to yourself.  Would you ever treat another person going through a rough time like this? You need to be nice to you, too".  And she was, and is, absolutely correct.

I am extremely lucky to come from and have an amazing support system.  For the most part, everyone in my life has always had the utmost confidence in me.  Sometimes, I wish I had a little more in myself, but that's one of those things I will probably always fight for.  I am in a place in my life where I believe many late twenty-somethings are probably in.  Not necessarily transitional, but figuring out the little things, the tougher stuff in between.  It's figuring out what is really important to you, and what is necessary to cut out.  I am falling in love with all the good and the positive life has to offer, and the wonderful people and experiences that come along with it.  The friends who make the time to call you to catch up; the roommates who share a bottle of wine and a bucket full of grapes with you; the nights on rooftops with people who matter; the family that, at the end of the day, is always there to pick you up from a bus station at 10pm in Massachusetts, or the little sister who sends you two thank you cards from her birthday party, just so you can have more mail.  These are the people and experiences I will carry with me always, while the petty ones fall to the wayside.  As I get older, I realize how unimportant the negative is, and how wonderful the good can be.  I am so excited to enter this new stage and new age in my life in a new and improved mindset, doing the things I love with the people I care the most about. 

I always thought of myself of a wallflower, and never thought any one ever noticed me.  I know now that while I am an observer, a wallflower I am not.  And I am ready to accept the love I know I deserve.

No One Is Alone

This past weekend was quite nice.  It was filled with cleaning, eating, movie watching, laughing, talking, friending, sleeping, resting, and eating some more.  I also spent a great deal of time with myself - something that, for the past few weeks, I've been truly terrified of doing.

I've been really fearful of being left alone with my thoughts, scared that they might have more control over me than I was willing to accept, or worse, that I would be overcome with things like heartache, sadness, fear, or loneliness.  All the debilitating feelings that make you want to curl up into your bed forever and never emerge (unless, of course, chocolate is involved).  It's not that these are things that have been present in my life consistently or in an overbearing fashion, but I have been so scared that they could be, that they might make an appearance - and then what?  How would I handle that?  I've come so far, I am reaching out in sheer desperation just to not go backwards.  Has a paranoia of feelings and emotions developed?

Then, I just did it.  I had been under the weather all week with a cold, so I spent a few hours alone on Saturday, and most of Sunday just resting.  I watched movies, I cleaned a little, played with Oliver, snacked, and painted my nails.  I took care of myself, physically and mentally, for an entire weekend - something I haven't done in far too long.  And I came out of it rested, a little overstuffed, and proud of myself.  Proud of myself for doing something that is, yes, oddly simple, but really tough.

Sometimes, it's the little battles that make the monumental wins in my book.  This weekend was a giant step in gaining back my independence and confidence in myself and my capabilities.

I also realize that it's okay to feel alone sometimes, but it is not the best idea to wallow in it.  Let it in momentarily, take a breath, and let it right back out.  You are not alone.  I leave you with that, and the wise words of Stephen Sondheim:

"Hard to see the light now
Just don't let it go
Things will come out right now
We can make it so
Someone is on your side
No one is alone
Believe me, no one is alone"

Pumpkin Spice and Everything Nice

Autumn.

When the leaves fall off the trees
The end of another number year
The death of the summer
And what I see as rebirth.

I have endless, boundless love for Fall.  Harvests, the vibrant reds and oranges and yellows, the cool breeze ushering in the cold to come, apple picking, pumpkin pie making, caramel apple eating, celebrations, hay rides, haunted houses, Halloween, jeans and sweaters, sweatshirts, and big comfy socks that cover your thighs.

In keeping with my current "loving the little things" mentality, I would just like to say thank you to the kind barista at Starbucks, for making my very first Pumpkin Hot Chocolate of the season today.  I would also like to thank the amazing weather for making my walk to work wonderfully chilly, the great book I've been reading on my morning train rides for being so fantastic (Bright Shiny Morning by James Fry - incredible), my super sore legs from running a relatively consistent 2 miles a day at the gym, and, most importantly, my pants - for today, when I put on the very pair I bought a mere 4 months ago, I was barely able to wear them because of how big they have gotten.  Over the past year, I have probably gained about 10 pounds - mostly due to lifestyle changes, going from dance jobs to a desk job, and living in an area surrounded by amazing food.  I finally decided I wasn't happy with my body the way it was, or with the way I felt, so I signed up for one (now, two!) 5k's and started running.  I'm not necessarily trying to simply drop pounds, but I'd like to be overall healthier, and back in the dancer-shape I was in.  It's a painstakingly slow process, but I'm starting to see results, and it makes me feel empowered.  I've lost about 6 pounds, but the changes in my body are what make the difference.  I've gained some muscle, my waist has gotten smaller, and I am starting to feel more confident - which I can feel simply in my slightly taller walk.  It's amazing what taking a little charge of a small thing can do for you.

In other news, I got a mood ring at a toy store.  I like taking it on and off and watching it change colors.  I also bought Play-Doh and built an alien.  I'm turning 27 in less than a month.

I am finding hope and inspiration in the little things that I do for myself, simply because I am doing things for myself.  I wasn't before.  I am now.  I should never have stopped.  I'm so amazed at how much learning and growing I have been able to do in the past few weeks.  I've felt so many emotions while riding this crazy roller coaster, and while I know I am not finished with this journey just yet, it feels good to look back and be able to notice definite milestones.  To see where I started, and see a significant difference in where I am now.  I don't mean to toot my own horn, but I'm kind of proud of myself.  Big steps are being made, and big things are coming.

Gandhi says we must be the change we wish to see in the world.  I believe we should be the change we wish to see in ourselves.

The Little Things

Lately, I've been trying to focus on the little things.

Walking to the L with confidence.

Blasting the new Regina on my morning commute.

Taking the ferry home from work.

New experiences.  New people.  New boundaries.  New mindset.

Eating a fresh beefsteak tomato - in one sitting.  Raw.

Accidentally spilling an entire waste container filled with bright blue, yellow, and pink ink from the copy machine all over myself.

A new phone cover, courtesy of Vera Bradley.

A Mr. Softee dip cone.

Having a conversation with a lonely older woman on the boat ride home.

Seeing my apartment building from the water.

Spending 3 hours eating and chatting in a famous-but-new-to-me pizza joint in a neighboring neighborhood.

Summer beers garnished with oranges.

Walking through the lit up park on a late summer night.

Stooping.  It's a thing.

The blue moon.

Rediscovering an old dress.

Rediscovering myself.

Driving with the windows down singing at the top of your lungs.

Walking past a kid playing with a 6 weeks old white kitten.  The same kid you walked past the week before, playing with the same kitten.  The kitten is bigger.

Watching Strong Bad Emails at work

Not changing the station when The Thong Song comes on the radio.  And remembering all the words.

Finding and loving new music.

Realizing you have 934 individual purchased songs in your iTunes.

Knowing where you are supposed to turn right, but going straight instead.  And continuing to drive.

Finding the entrance to a secret beer garden.

Learning about a secret bar, that is located behind a secret door in a secret phone booth with a secret dial code.

Retrieving the last thing that smells of you.

A sleeping kitten.

Learning that everything, and I do mean everything, is about timing.

A train ride to Moms new home.

A rainy train ride back with a good book and a new giraffe.

Finding the first fall leaf on the ground.

Noticing that the pink buildings I used to pass on my long NJ commute are still pink

Sitting on my giant roof, staring at the sky, the moon, the planes flying by.  Not seeing stars.  Knowing I know just where to go to find them.

Someone painting the word DREAM on the door to the roof in big bold capital letters.  DREAM.

Noticing the forgotten on my walks home, and finding the extraordinary in the ordinary - the things unseen or unnoticed.

Catching up with old friends.

Catching up with new friends.

A hug and a kiss from a Sweet Caraline

A hug and a kiss from Mommy.

How nothing ever changes.

How everything changes.

Spending the last summer weekend with family and friends, eating and drinking, barbecuing and laughing, getting eaten alive by mosquito's and not knowing it until the following morning.

Finding the moments of happiness in between all the rest.

Expunging the negative to make room for the positive.

Enjoying a night of complete inner peace, and hoping for many more to come.