I've been doing a lot of thinking lately. Without meaning to, a great deal of said thinking has been spent sort of perched on the idea of my own social life - shallow, I know - but what else is a post-grad supposed to do without homework and papers and staying up late watching crappy game shows and listening to Yoko Ono with her roommates? In case you were wondering, I have now, officially, been up for almost a full 24 hours.
I think my main concern is what to now do with whatever moment of spare time I find. I'm used to my life being so rigidly structured - by my own choosing, mind you, but nonetheless, planned and firm, with the added bonus of late night spontaneity, and the occasional splurge of Starbucks or Carvel. I feel as though that has been taken from me by the educators who decided I was ready to move into the real world, which I have yet to determine if I even like. I don't want to turn out to be one of those people who go from school to school, adding on degrees and checking out more loans, just to avoid to ultimate result of having to actually live life and pay my debt to society with a check made out to scary-loan-place. It's utterly daunting! And I don't think I anticipated having this much trouble adjusting. Especially considering that adjusting from high school to college, while mentally, unbeknownst to me, may have taken 4 years to prepare for, took me physically a week to settle myself into my new environment. Now it's taken me over 4 months to re-adjust to what has been my surroundings, my home, for going on 23 years.
I think my main concern is what to now do with whatever moment of spare time I find. I'm used to my life being so rigidly structured - by my own choosing, mind you, but nonetheless, planned and firm, with the added bonus of late night spontaneity, and the occasional splurge of Starbucks or Carvel. I feel as though that has been taken from me by the educators who decided I was ready to move into the real world, which I have yet to determine if I even like. I don't want to turn out to be one of those people who go from school to school, adding on degrees and checking out more loans, just to avoid to ultimate result of having to actually live life and pay my debt to society with a check made out to scary-loan-place. It's utterly daunting! And I don't think I anticipated having this much trouble adjusting. Especially considering that adjusting from high school to college, while mentally, unbeknownst to me, may have taken 4 years to prepare for, took me physically a week to settle myself into my new environment. Now it's taken me over 4 months to re-adjust to what has been my surroundings, my home, for going on 23 years.
I picked up a book at work today, called "Ramen Noodles, Rent, and Resumes", and so far it's told me nothing new. Maybe alliteration is just not the answer, author Kristen Fischer. And FYI - Ramen Noodles suck. Cup Noodles it's what up.
I suppose this is all part of the process, the stages of adjustment. I just can't see myself settling - working a desk job, maintaining a balanced checkbook and having enough money for food, rent, and my insurance all in a two-weeks paycheck. Maybe the extra stress of not having a comfy cushion to fall back on is what makes it all so worthwhile and fulfilling? Or maybe these are simply the confessions of a scared little girl who still can't break her nail-biting habit, who, until the age of 11, couldn't sleep over at other girls houses, and who, at the age of 17, took her security Big Bird to college? What's worse is I still get the feeling of uneasiness when I'm not in a bed surrounded by some form of a comfort zone. How can a girl like that be ready to tackle anything major alone?
Hopelessness is not a feeling I crave, or have a desire to hold on to much longer.
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